Franci and Lincoln, from Smiley Cafe, show us their big mugs.

Diver: Franci and Lincoln, Smiley Cafe
Interesting Fact: Franci and Lincoln are trying to start their business one latte and ATM at a time
 

Dear Diver,
Every spring when river season hits, it seems like I don’t get into my boat for the first time until it’s around 4,000 cfs. I usually end up crapping my board shorts and getting worked or swimming to the High Bridge. Is there a better way to prepare for river season?
– Swimmy

Dear Swimmy,
Coming from the guy who has been scraping bottom for the last two weeks I couldn’t be more excited for some heavy flows, but if you aren’t too confident here are some pointers so you won’t be that sad panda out there. First and foremost, if you are lucky enough to know a captain of a vessel, provide his favorite beverage (Coors). He is the main factor in your pursuit of dryness. Second, this is Colorado – a fleece and wind breaker go a long way, even if you’re drenched. Same goes for a whiskey blanket. And finally, I hear it’s good luck to drop trow for the train. But if none of this helps, and you do take a dunk this season, it’s river etiquette you drink that bootie beer at the takeout!
– Diver

Dear Diver,
So, with warmer weather upon us, I have shed some layers and realized, I really need to shed some weight. El Nino seems to have not only brought me copious amounts of snow, but copious amounts of fat as well. I’m thinking desperate measures are needed, like maybe an all-lettuce diet. Question: what lettuce would be best? I think mixed baby greens, but my friends seem to think iceberg is the way to go. With the dizzying array of varieties at the store these days, what kinds of leafery does the diver recommend?
– Going Green

Dear Chubs,
Living with two vegetarians, I see box after box of Mâché rosettes disappear daily. I don’t know how to pronounce it, but I will admit they are on to something. But, if not, how about some sort of Sativa infused iceberg? All of you “growers” out there ought to be able to come up with something! Soon we’ll be hearing on the street “hey, have you tried the Iceberg? It’s all I want to eat, and I’ve already lost 15 lbs!”
– Dietician Diver

Dear Diver,
I have been suffering from severe memory loss lately. Literally 2 seconds after a thought enters my head, poof! It’s gone and I am on to something else. Wait – what’s the weather supposed to be like tomorrow? Has anyone seen my car keys? Where’s my phone? Anyway, as I was saying … what was I saying?
–  Annie Nesia

Dear Annie,
Nine times outta 10, it’s in that black hole you ladies call a purse. And these days if you still can’t figure out who you are and what you were just getting ready to do with your life, you are probably having your “Iceberg” a little too early in the a.m. Advice: even it out with the best cup of coffee in town at the Smiley Cafe!
– Keep Smileying

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
 telegraph@durangotelegraph.com