Diver: Dog Divers at Local First

Interesting Facts: Male dogs will raise their legs while urinating to aim higher on a tree or lamppost because they want to leave a message that they are tall and intimidating.

Dear Diver,

I like to take my morning pee while in my morning shower. It’s good timing,  I like it, it relaxes me, and it’s all warm.  Sometimes I sing a song in the shower at the same time I’m spraying. Urine washes down the shower drain into the same pipe the toilet flushes into, so it actually saves water by eliminating one flush. My wife thinks it’s gross. Instead of ending my ritual, I’m trying to encourage her to shower tinkle too. That effort isn’t going so well. Any advice is welcome.

– Going with the Flow

Dear Going with the Flow,          

I’m for saving water as much as the next gal, but the place you clean yourself and the place you relieve yourself should be distinct. Forget the timing, otherwise you’d go whenever the moment strikes, and if you’re that kind of guy, you might need more help than I can provide. I think it’s time for a new ritual. Go outside and try to sing a song while peeing your name in the snow. It’s relaxing and saves water without the need for standing your clean feet in a puddle of tinkle. Or better yet, do like I do and lift one leg and mark all the trees in your yard. If you can get your wife to join you, that much better.  While you’re out there, don’t pee into the wind, and if your wife won’t join, call it personal time.

– Clean paws, The Diver

Dear Diver,

This roommate of mine just started snowboarding and is always asking to go ride with me and my posse. He’s an OK guy but just can’t hang in the park. And worst of all, he never brings any weed. How do I give him the slip while keeping the peace on the homefront?

– Speed Demon

Hey speedy,

Slow down and realize what you’ve overlooked. Ass, gas or grass, no one rides for free. Make sure he understands that. Your trip to the mountain is subsidized by hauling him up there. Once you’re at the mountain, leave him in the dust.  You’re under no obligation to not shred with your posse. Or inversely, be an OK guy yourself and use the opportunity to learn to ride your weak side: go goofy for the day and not just from the ganj you don’t want to share. There’s no short supply of it around here so don’t be stingy with your stash, that’s how people have kept the peace for a millennia. 

– Diver

Dear Diver,

Please help me understand something I have struggled to comprehend since high school. You know that song, “Smooth Up Big Girl,” by some one-hit wonder ’80s hair band? What does it mean? Smoothing up? I have tried to conjure up various scenarios where someone would “smooth up” – particularly a “big girl” – but come up empty. Perhaps the rest of the incoherent lyrics hold a clue? Please help me decipher, in case I’m missing out.

– Smoothed Over

Yo Smoothie!

With the recent Snowdown 80s, you should be feeling these lyrics intuitively. The hair styles, fashion and fancy colors were spread all over this town. Surely, you must have gleaned a little wisdom from the debauchery. Ya know the saying, “You had to be there?” That’s one time you’re glad you weren’t. just remember, it’s not about what they said, it’s about length of their hair, the pants that give pitch to the scream and the flair that is senseless in its meaning. While no one really understands what happened in the ’80s, I recommend you put on some tight neon pants, grow your hair out, burn one down, and just listen. The meaning will become all too clear.

– Up in Ya, Diver

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
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