Diver: Corky from the river/rink

Interesting Facts: The average person farts 14 times a day

Dear Diver,

Now that the Super Bowl is over and my beloved Broncos have disappeared from the spotlight, I feel all empty inside. I fear nothing will ever replace the high I felt when  Peyton Manning kissed Papa John and then the Lombardi trophy. It was truly one of the greatest sports moments of all time – followed by one of the greatest let downs. Please, Diver – help me make it through to pre-season next fall.

– Nothing Compares

Dear Nothing Compares,

With all the changes coming to Denver, I would spend the off season thinking about who is going to be our new quarterback. The “Os” is not a lock in. And will Von Miller get the franchise tag? And Akib Talib publicly admitted to a horrific facemask on purpose. Lengthy suspicion I do see? (Yoda voice). If that’s not filling the void, tracking the Denver cheerleaders always works! Being a hockey fan, I love to watch the Avalanche. They are playing the Detroit Redwings in the “Stadium Series” on Feb. 27. Even if you don’t follow the game, reminiscing about the Denver victory inside the stadium should reboot your good memories or there is always the PGA, bass fishing tournaments and women’s volleyball (I do love the shorts). If that still doesn’t tickle your fancy, get a girlfriend, or learn the words to “Hand Jive,” and take yourself on a date.

– Diver

Dear Diver

What is with all the stupid drivers going the wrong way down the one-way in the upper lot at Purg? Don’t’ they see the cars are all parked facing the opposite direction? The other day, I got into a game of chicken with an a-hole in a cowboy hat driving a Suburban. Seeing as how I was driving a Suby, I lost and had to back up, even though I was in the right. Next time, do I have permission to get out and slap him upside his 10-gallon? Or should I pull a Ghandi and peacefully resist and just sit there till his guzzler runs out of gas? And why in the world don’t they have signs up there designating it as a one-way?

– It’s the Principle

Dear Principal Wuss,

First of all, anyone who calls their vehicle a “Suby” should be b**tch slapped by a female wombat. Judging by your description of the A-hole in the 10-gallon hat, it is clear to me you have suppressed feelings about dancing naked while wearing butt-less chaps and a white Stetson. Obviously, the game of chicken wrecked all your steamy Texan fantasies. How about making your own “Naked Stetson Wearing Man” parking sign, that way the Suburbans know where to park. Or you could always make your own “Suby’s Park Here” sign so you don’t run into this problem again. Otherwise, embrace your inner fantasies and quit taking it out on the parking lot!

– Diver

Dear Diver,

When you give someone a very expensive and thoughtful gift that you went to great trouble to procure, and you find it buried in a drawer or a closet under a bunch of crap at their house, do you have the right to take said gift back?

– Ungrateful’s Friend

Dear PeeWee Panty Herman,

Let’s be real. Why are you digging through “someone’s” panty drawer? Everyone knows all panty drawers hold secrets, as well as extra batteries. With that being said, a gift is supposed to be selfless, so do yourself a favor and stop being such a sensitive Sally. It takes a certain kind of person to venture into the drawers and closets of the unknown. Does this person need to put up a “No Trespassing” sign? Here is the simple solution to your predicament: It’s not “scratch and sniff”… keep out!

– Diver

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
 telegraph@durangotelegraph.com