Joey takes a selfie using someone else’s smarthpone.

Diver: Joey from Velorution Cycles
Interesting Facts: Despite being on the market for three weeks, Velorution’s old location on Main isn’t yet a weed shop or T-shirt store.
 

Dear Diver,
I am a man in my late 50s looking to hook up with a young hot chick. I am tired of dating women in their 40s and 50s who look 70 and act 20. I would even consider going the sugar daddy route as I am very well off financially. I don’t like the bar scene anymore. I just want some young stuff to make me feel like a man again. I don’t use a computer, so that’s out. Where would you suggest I find these women?
– Desperate and Lonely

Dear Sleazeball,
I’m just going to ignore everything except for the question so that I don’t get drawn into detailing all the ways in which you’ve failed to age gracefully. Common sense would dictate that if you don’t like bars and don’t use computers, your chances of finding a young hottie of questionable judgment are pretty slim. It’s kind of like saying “I want a lot of money but I don’t ever work or play the lottery.” Things probably aren’t going to work out for you. Which, of course, is probably better for humanity anyhow – just stay inside and keep wishing for that young-daughter-aged woman to come to you.
– No really, just keep waiting, The Diver

Dear Diver,
I committed the ultimate faux pas and accidentally told someone during Snowdown that I loved their costume. Only thing is, judging by the blank look on their face, they weren’t in costume.  So how is someone supposed to know in this town where half the population at any given time is dressed up in costume for whatever party or drinking holiday it is, and the other half is just stuck in the 70s and 80s. Please help – Mardi Gras and St. Patrick’s are not far off.
– Beer Goggles

Dear Boggles,
If we lived in a multi-cultural city like New York, we wouldn’t walk up to someone dressed in Sudanese or Syrian garb and say “Hey, I love your costume!” It’s kind of like that here in Durango, except instead of multi-culturalism we have multi-generationalism. Yes, in our whitest-of-white-bread town, we have diversity of a different sort, thanks to Durangoans’ delightful lack of fashion sense. On any given day you may see every decade from the ’60s through the present non-ironically represented in the clothing of our fine denizens! I myself am fond of the ’90s and have been since, well, the ’90s. In any case, once festival organizers realize we need to adopt themes like “Syrian Snowdown,” there will be much less confusion.
– Try not to be so insensitive next time

Dear Diver,
If I see one more person skiing with a selfie stick, I’m going to stop and beat them over the head with it. Don’t they know those things are dangerous – to themselves and others? What could they possibly be doing on Demon that is so exciting anyway?
– Stick it

Dear Sticky-Situational-Ethics,
I am somewhat unqualified to answer this question. I don’t ski, don’t have a smartphone or GoPro, and barely know what a selfie stick is. That said, human nature remains unchanged, regardless of technology; an awful lot of people seem to enjoy bragging about Strava times on Meadow Loop or Animas River Trail. But we retro-grouches can rise up in solidarity with the greatest, most enduring human trait: Violence. Inspired by your allusion to beating the crap out of your vain ski comrades, should I see someone riding a bike with a selfie stick, I will stick it in their spokes and let physics take care of the rest. And I will think of you while I watch the carnage. (Or, better yet, we can both just ski/ride happily ignoring the tech-vanity taking over the world.)
– Choose wisely, grasshopper, the Diver

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
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