Joey rides high.

Diver: Joey from Velorution Cycles
Interesting Fact: Donald Trump is actually an alien robot sent to destroy the human race before we can get competitive on the interstellar front
 

Dear Diver,
I am in serious grief over Prince’s death. I did not expect the news to hit me as hard as it did. Since finding out, I have been glued to the TV/media, unable to tear myself away. And then I hear a song and burst into spontaneous tears. I feel like I can’t even go out in public. Is this normal? Is there some sort of Prince support group for people like me? Help me cope.
– In a Purple Haze

Dear Hazy Memory,
You and I have something in common. I, too, spontaneously burst into tears whenever I hear a Prince song. However, my tears are less reverent and more of the “please make it stop NOW!” variety. Electronic noise, boring song structure and pop mediocrity has never been my thing. Not to mention the fact that P. Rogers Nelson (yeah, who’s cool now?) was a leader on the ’80s music scene, which appears to be the decade where all good music got sucked into a black hole or something. My advice to you? Lock yourself in a room with a stack of Prince albums and play them at full volume until you never want to hear a Prince song again. It shouldn’t take long.
– The Artist formerly known as Diver

Dear Diver,
So, I know the “ironic mullet” has recently come back as all the rage, but why not the 70s-80s “feather?” In my mind that was a much bigger accomplishment, and much harder to pull off than a stupid mullet. People spent hours trying to get that perfect Farrah Fawcett layer, you know, with the identical comb marks? True hair artistry, in my mind. What gives?
– Looking for My Turnable Teeth Comb

Dear Poofy-Hair,
What is it with the ’80s nostalgia questions this week? Farrah Fawcett’s style was to hair what Prince’s “music” was to music: Bad. Mullets ain’t any better, that’s for sure. The old Kentucky Waterfall does bring a nostalgic smile to my face, though; yes, it was only last year that I was back home near Louisville and experienced the non-ironic mullets and puffy feathered ‘dos that still populate my hometown. But I digress. As for your question, you’ve already answered it – it’s way easier to be lazy and let your hair grow in the back and pretend you’re ironic. Who wants to spend hours teasing their hair into a feathery halo a foot above their head?
-I buzz-cut my own hair, the Diver

Dear Diver,
I was at a large gathering recently and this guy shows up who’s obviously sick – I know because he announced it. He then hovers over the buffet table and shakes everyone’s hands. What is wrong with him? Is he trying to infect the whole town? Isn’t it common knowledge and proper decorum when you have an infectious disease not to go out in public and touch people and food?
-– Grossed Out

Dear Soon-to-be-Sick,
I am completely with you on this one. That is not only gross, but infuriating as well. Here you are, healthy as can be, and along comes this paragon of pestilence, a vector of filth. Worse yet, they want to carry on a long-winded conversation with you at top germ-spraying volume, and shake hands with the one they just used to wipe their nose. Two options: Run away – fast. Or, pretend to have some horrible stomach flu – “Hey, good to see you. I’m about to throw up, but let’s chat!” – and see how long they last. I guess we should just be grateful we don’t live in the Middle Ages. Can you imagine this person with the Black Plague instead of a head cold?
– Pound that Vit C, the Diver

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