Trevor is no longer young enough to know everything.

Diver: Trevor Rovert
Interesting Facts: 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

Dear Diver,
What is Victoria’s secret? Every time I see her, she seems like she’s got nothing to hide. Is she some sort of double secret agent? Or a rocket scientist posing as a bimbo? Please, help me get to the bottom of this mystery.
– Private Eye

Dear Creeper,
You lucky, bastard, you! As fate would have it I, myself, am some sort of double secret agent and have posed with a bimbo while being a rocket scientist. Let’s start at the bottom and work our way up, shall we? Or we can start at the top and work our way down, whichever you prefer. The most important thing is to get a firm grasp on the situation before giving it a go. Now, I’m guessing when you say you “see her” that’s not the whole truth because you likely have extremely poor eyesight. I think we both know that her secret is really your secret and that secret isn’t really a secret at all since everyone already knows that you masturbate to a catalog.
– Taking the fifth, Trevor

 

Dear Diver,
Did you know that the average kid these days has no idea how to address an envelope? Sad but true. Makes me lose hope for the future of this great country. Please, diver, tell me it’s going to be OK that the youth of American cannot perform the simple task of sending an envelope through the mail.
– Losing Hope

Dear Nope,
I was in a parking lot recently when a beautiful young lady, who was about 17 or 18, approached me. She was red faced and clearly flustered. She had a slight sheen of dewy sweat on her forehead and upper lip. And she was breathless as she nervously asked if I could lend her my cell phone to call for help. Ever suspicious of a honey pot, I sized her up carefully. She was nearly in tears as she told me that the battery in her car’s key fob had died and as a result she was unable to get into the vehicle. You can imagine her surprise when I showed her that one could simply slide the metal shaft of the device into the door handle and Voila! You’re inside. Remember, the difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has limits and the most effective way to deal with the stupidity of today’s youth is to slap their parents.
– Don’t trust anyone under 30, Trev

 

Dear Diver,
The other day, there was a man proselytizing on campus who said I was going to hell because I was a sinner. And then he said something about me carrying out the devil’s work and suffering the wrath on Judgement Day.  A) How does he know that I’m a sinner and B) is “judgement day” just another term for “final exams?” I’m so confused and I most certainly don’t want to do the devil’s work, or anyone else’s, during finals week. It’s hard enough as is.
– Befuddled Freshman

Dear Freshly Muddled,
Two questions. 1) Where did such a simple youngster like you learn grandiose words like“proselytizing” and “befuddled?” 2) Has your mommy had a chance to procure a new battery for your key fob, yet?
– In need of your parents’ address, Trevor


In a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
 telegraph@durangotelegraph.com

 

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