Dan Groth is a hard habit to break.

Diver: Dan Groth
Interesting Facts: Dan likes to strategically unbutton his shirts in a sexy manner.
 

Hello Dan,
How have you been? Man, I miss hanging out with you sharing stories and laughs. Remember that time we coincidentally wore the exact same shirt to DBC?  And then years later we tried to recreate the scene by going back to DBC in those shirts and even putting the same people in the background to recreate the original picture? You never sent me the pictures from your iPhone. E-mail them to me when you have a chance. You’ve got my e-mail from that Onion article I sent you.
– David

David,
I’m really trying to remember which David you are... David, David, David.... Wait! Could it be my dear friend David Copperfield, Master of Illusion? (How on Earth did you make the confounded Statue of Liberty vanish into thin air that one time?) No ... I think you’re more likely my buddy David Lee Roth, who sings like he’s channeling the spirit of the Pharoah Ahkenaten when he’s not evoking the pillowy winds of the seven seas. WAIT A MINUTE!!! I know for a fact that you are David Smith, former Durango resident and current King of North Dakota. I think I got rid of that shirt recently, but it doesn’t mean I got rid of your friendship. You should write a song about that, by the way.
– Diver

Diver,
I got married back in the spring. My wife got on an exercise kick 3 months prior to the wedding. She worked out every day. Well, since the wedding she seems to have forgotten how to exercise and how to get to the gym. She hasn’t forgotten how to go out to eat. I don’t think this is a good sign. How do I politely tell her to push away from the table and resume the fitness kick?
– Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,
I have a feeling you are one of those types who will never be satisfied with anything, but the least you could do is overcompensate on your own end. I suggest you start to beef up your thighs, and then continue to beef up your thighs until they are like chiseled watermelons. Those thighs will be a visual reproach to your lazy wife’s inaction. If that doesn’t work, I suggest you divorce her – she sounds like a devious, morally corrupt subhuman.
– Diver

Dear Diver,
I just found out I got into school in Portland, Ore., and I’ll be headed west. Only thing is, I’m not sure how to pronounce the state’s name. Is it “Ore-again” or “Ora-gone.” I don’t want to look/sound like a hick from the sticks with all the cool kids. Any other useful “blending” tips are also appreciated.
– Country Mouse

Dear Country Mouse,
Pronounce it like you would “Organ,” except with a subtle schwa stuck between the “R” and “G.”  And while you’re at it, save yourself the embarrassment of mispronouncing Couch Street as if one could sit on it comfortably. It is pronounced “Cooch,” which might seem kind of naughty, but it’s actually quite wholesome. Also, consider purchasing a time machine so you can go back to Portland 10 years ago– it was more affordable and not overrun by those who aspire to be like the people being lampooned in the Portlandia TV show. Finally, be sure to purchase the debut album by the Portland band, Quarterflash. The sultry saxophone playing on their hit song “Harden My Heart” will prepare you for the ups-and-downs of Portland living. Believe me, people in Portland LOVE that song. In fact, I would say that it is the basis for the “Portland Sound” which all the kids are into these days.
– Diver