Trevor has his eye on you.

Diver: Trevor Rovert

Interesting fact: The Tryptophan in Thanksgiving turkey doesn’t make you sleepy, the gorging on food and drinking all day so you can tolerate your loved ones does.

Dear Diver,

For years, I have suffered from horrible insomnia and have tried every remedy under the sky: sleeping pills, counting sheep, breathing exercises, white noise, reading, herbal supplements, warm milk, you name it. Either the efficacy quickly wears off or I feel like I’m in a drug-induced fog the next day. Please, diver, help me nod off without getting knocked out. I am at my wit’s end and there’s only so many “I Love Lucy” reruns you can watch before you lose your mind!

– Bloodshot

Dear Bloodshot-in-the-dark,

I enjoy milk, sheep and drugs as much as the next guy. But the problem is that you have been watching the wrong show. Instead of “I Love Lucy” you need to turn on ESPN. Do you have a TIVo? If not, risk life and limb on Black Friday to procure one. The newest model has a feature that allows you to witness the already absurdly boring and horribly misnamed snore fest that is football, on an even slower setting. There are at least 4,637 games in the regular season. While we are, thankfully, running out of weeks left in the 2015/16 season, if you hurry up, you can still record all of the remaining 2,569 match ups, and this should be enough to help you sleep soundly for months.

– Not even kidding, Trevor

Dear Diver,

My 13-year-old son has become a total recluse. As soon as he gets home from school, he barricades himself in his room and is constantly looking at his phone 24/7. I can barely get him to make eye contact let alone get a word out of him or carry on a meaningful conversation. And I practically have to beg him to shower or eat anything that contains vegetable matter. Is this normal or should I be worried I am raising the next Unibomber?

– Mommy Fearest

Dear Mommy,

As a woman you wouldn’t know this but the years 13 to 17 are a very special time in a young man’s life when he begins to explore new worlds. He needs this alone time in order to get the hands-on practice that will help erect his future. Working his controller, keeping a tight grip on his joystick and testing his batteries will help lubricate a growing lad’s focus. All boys love video games, you know. Wait. What did you think I was talking about? But just to be safe you might want to add a little more fabric softener to the laundry, especially when washing his socks.

– Fiddling while Rome burns, Trevor

Dear Diver,

My employer flat out refuses to recycle because he is a total cheapskate and conspiracy theorist who thinks it all gets dumped in the landfill anyway. I find this absolutely abhorrent in this day and age. How do I convince him to see the light at the end of the trash bin, so to speak?

– Talking Trash

Dear Trashy,

Your employer is right. Recycling is an evil plot created by Espera Oscar de Corti, aka Iron Eyes Cody. Iron Eyes was born in Louisiana in 1904 to Italian immigrant parents. He grew up in Texas before pretending to be the sad Native American in the “Keep America Beautiful” commercials in the early 1970s. Perhaps you are not aware of the great things that are happening because of garbage. Did you know that mankind has created the Pacific Trash Vortex, a massive floating mound of plastic and debris that is twice the size of the continental United States? You see, not recycling is creating more real estate. How else are we ever possibly going to find a place for the 9.6 billion humans estimated to be on the planet by 2050? If you recycle you take that land away, too. You jerk.

– Yours in all things factual,



In a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
- 1309 E. Third Ave., Room 3 Durango, CO, 81301
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