C. S. Hawkins sharpens his talons.
 
Diver: C. S. Hawkins
Interesting facts: Vodka helps keep cut flowers fresh. Yet another reason to pop by the bar on your break.
 

Dear Diver,
I’ve noticed an interesting trend lately in home décor. It’s the “outdoor rug?” What, pray tell, is an outdoor rug? Have Americans grown so detached from the natural world that they now need rugs when they retire to their sterile patios so their Gucci flip flops don’t come in contact with dirt?
- Barefoot Hippie

Dear Los Pies Apostosos,
Mankind’s greatest accomplishments in literature, science, technology and recreational medicine seek the magic carpet. Do we just want a comfortable floating device? Or is this mythological fixture a symbol for our quest for truth? You are clearly in touch with the earth, but those “detached” Americans might just be in tune with our highest aspirations.
– Let the sound take you away, The Diver
 

Dear Diver,
It’s time for yet another dreaded Hallmark Holiday – Mother’s Day. While I despise being duped by corporate America into buying more junk, it is very important to her. And I do want her to know I care. What can I give her that comes from the heart yet doesn’t cave to industrial mass-produced child labor commercialism?
– Momma’s Boy

Dear Apron Strings,
Where I come from, only one thing comes from the heart, and that’s blood. So here’s an alternate idea: Wrap yo momma in a big ol’ hug and tell her that your love for her is too infinite for any sweat shop to topple. She’ll be proud of you for not compromising your morals. That’s guaranteed to please. And if it doesn’t, then make her breakfast and pluck flowers from the neighbor’s yard like the rest of us.
– Two hugs are better than one, The Diver
 

Dear Diver,
My office just moved to a new location upstairs from a bar and next door to a weed shop. Needless, to say I have some concerns over worker productivity. How do I  keep myself, and more importantly my co-workers, from being led into temptation?
- Worker Bee

Dear Drone,
I… I don’t understand the question. With pot and booze just steps away – oh. OH. You think this is a problem! Well, consider that successful companies like Pixar give their employees playrooms; yours just have an age limit. When your overlords question your workday commitment, inform them that actual scientists have shown that playtime fosters creativity. It’s probably even true.
– One more for the road, The Diver

In a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
- 1309 E. Third Ave., Room 3 Durango, CO, 81301
- fax (970) 259-0488
- telegraph@durangotelegraph.com

 

In this week's issue...

January 25, 2024
Bagging it

State plastic bag ban is in full effect, but enforcement varies

January 26, 2024
Paper chase

The Sneer is back – and no we’re not talking about Billy Idol’s comeback tour.

January 11, 2024
High and dry

New state climate report projects continued warming, declining streamflows