Trevor sees you when you’re sleeping but only out of the one eye.

Diver: Trevor Rovert
Interesting facts: Significantly more serial killers are born in November than any other month
 

Dear Diver,
I am at my wit’s end with trying to get a decent night’s sleep. Seems I either lie there for hours upon hitting the hay or wake up in the middle of the night with my mind racing, and am unable to fall back asleep. I have tried everything – alcohol, breathing exercises, mediation, pot, herbal remedies and Ambiem. Nothing works, or it works for a while and then I build up an immunity. Please diver - help me get some shut-eye before I go insane!
– Counting Sheep

Dear Sheepish,
As with most things these days the answer to all of your problems is the internet. You see there are now millions of people out there that have access to an open forum of banality known as a weblog or blog. A blog is a horrid expression of freedom where anyone can whine on infinitely & rock strangers to sleep with insipid brain barf. It used to be that one had to be employed at a newspaper in order to subject others to meaningless drivel. But, lucky you, all you need is a computer and electricity, and you’ve an all-access pass to the most sleep-inducing frontal lobe farts on the planet. For example, give the pearls of yawn on a site called “Mommy Wants Vodka” a read. The name seems promising until you began scrolling through some woman’s never-ending “Life Lists” that feature such brilliant insights as, “I hate brass and wallpaper. I haven’t seen brass wallpaper, so I can’t be sure how I feel about it.” OR try keeping your eyes open while you process this wearisome wisdom: “I enjoy popping pimples so much that I’m often told I should have been a dermatologist. But I will never be one because they’re all so creepy. Dermatologists, not pimples.” If you are still conscious at this point you could always try reading legal briefs or the Bible.                
– TrevZZZ

Dear Diver,
After 10 long years in one house, my wife and I are moving. As if moving weren’t stressful enough, we are at odds over what to keep and what to throw out. My wife is a total purg-er and either wants to throw everything away or give it away for free. I, however, am of the thought that some sentimental things are worth saving and some of the more valuable stuff should at least be sold to recoup some money. So there are a few boxes in the garage or attic - out of sight, out of mind. Please help us un-clutter without un-coupling.
– Sorter Hoarder

Dear Sorta Hoardish,
After a decade of marriage don’t you know by now that nothing in your home actually belongs to you anymore? Once a man cohabitates with a woman all the items that man owned, even things he possesed long before their union, are no longer his property. Not the merit badges that he earned at YMCA Adventure Scouts for Wrist Aerobics & Being Your Own Best Friend; not the lucky jock strap that he wore in the big game against that other team; not his secretly stashed (or so he thought) Richard Marx cassette tapes that he sits in the attic and sobs too. None of it. Face it, SoHo, you’ll be much happier if you just accept the fact that you possess nothing and, at least, you have nothing to lose.
– King of my own castle, Trevor

Dear Diver,
How come “fits like a glove” is a popular saying but not “fits like a boot?” Is it because people have a problem with feet? Just doesn’t seem fair to feet, especially after all they do for us and all the abuse they take.
– Foot Fetish

Dear Foot Loose,
Where exactly do you hang out that “fits like a glove” is a popular saying, 1815?    The kids today say “fits like a mitten.” Since you are so up on the hip colloquialisms of the day you might want to consider writing a blog on sleep deprivation.
– If the shoe fits, Trevor