Brendan Trimboli, left, and Jenn Shelton kick off the Hognar race early Wednesday morning. The goal of the unofficial event: 20 laps on the Hogsback by Sunday (trail conditions permitting). A registry at the top helps runners keep track of their progress. Hog-related prizes and a pig roast await finishers./Photo by Joy Martin

Snowdown Extreme

The athletic, and maybe even sober, side of Durango’s party week

by Joy Martin

Do you feel lost on the Steampunk theme? Or maybe you’re just tired of losing precious brain cells during Snowdown and would rather lose, oh, I don’t know, weight?

Perhaps the only obvious aspect of this years’ complex theme is that costumes are essentially lingerie concealed by trench coats and a city-sanctioned excuse to wear the least amount of clothing possible (again).

Well, it’s time to unleash the corsets and leather-bound, bosom-heaving get-ups and discover the most extreme Snowdown events of all time live in Durango, Colo., this weekend only. And probably next year, too. 

Find comfort in that this is no different from previous Snowdowns.“The theme is always alcohol,” Pat Senecal, Celebrating Healthy Communities Coalition’s most cheerful cheerleader, said. “We’re not Prohibitionists. We just want to inform youth you can have fun without alcohol.”

Senecal is the event coordinator for Wipeout, “a wild and crazy obstacle course” for kids 8 to 18 set up in Buckley Park this Saturday, 12 noon - 4 p.m. 

“The whole idea is to come have fun,” says the conscientious grandmother of five.

Senecal, who plans to dress up as a “male Steampunker,” worked with San Juan Basin Health to create the Healthy Event Seal of Approval that decorates “entirely alcohol-free” Snowdown events.

I know. You’re practically yawning, but I swear that’s your panty girdle cutting off your air supply.

But, non-teetotalers, fear not: there are healthy events that didn’t get this Seal of Approval. So how can you, slight reveler, plan your Snowdown days to be precisely moderate?

First of all, don’t dwell on yesterday’s carb-loading fest at the Doughdown Doughnut Eating Contest. This is not a setback.

“It’s a strenuous event,” according to Karen LaValle, owner of Durango Doughworks. “You have to be able to stretch your stomach and be resourceful about strategies,” she continues. “All of the winners look like linebackers. Besides, it’s a great warm up for (eating on) Super Bowl Sunday.” 

You’ve spent the last 24 hours regretting those seven assorted holeless cakes. Let it go and focus on your fitness plan for the coming days. You flip open your Snowdown Schedule.

“Is speed dating considered an athletic event?” you wonder.

“Not really,” says Ashley Shepperd, coordinator for Steampunk Speed Dating, which takes place Thursday at 5 p.m. at the Rochester Hotel and includes some “suggestive conversation starters” for the less loquacious. “But we have an Ultra Sexy Steam Swimdown swimsuit competition on Friday. It’s outside.”

Swimsuits, you think. Twenty-four hours to prepare my body.

Participants attack their plates of doughnuts during the Snowdown Doughdown on Wednesday morning at Doughworks. The event is deceivingly difficult, according to Doughworks owner Karen LaValle. “It’s a strenuous event,” she says. “You have to be able to stretch your stomach and be resourceful about strategies.” And once the carbo-loading’s finished, there are plenty of options for burning it off, from the Chapman uphill/downhill to the Waterslide-Athon at the Rec Center./ Photo by Jennaye Derge

You notice the Healthy Event Seal of Approval next to the Waterslide-Athon at the Durango Rec Center, one of the only Steampunk events where goggles serve a functional purpose.

“Participants compete to see how many times they can go down the waterslide over the course of four hours! Imagine a combination of an ultra marathon and a waterslide,” reads the activity description, dreamed up by Event Coordinator Devon Parson.

The only thing spurring you on for four hours is the lure of Parson’s unusual array of prizes for the top three finishers: a championship belt for first, a cheeseburger for second and the handy choice between one 10-foot 2x4 or two 5-foot 2x4 studs for third place. 

Four hours, you moan.

“I’ve finished 50k’s in less time than that,” ruminates Jenn Shelton, a 31-year-old contender for this years’ second-place cheeseburger prize.

(The author plans to take home the championship belt)

Since first and second prizes are locked in at the Waterslide-Athon, you might as well lace up your kicks for the Snowup Treadmill Challenge at The Lost Dog Bar and Lounge where a rowdy crowd cheers on some of Durango’s top athletes as they strain to rack up the most vertical feet.

“I like combining the atmosphere of a bar with the toughness of a treadmill challenge,” says Brendan Trimboli, one of the planners for this new competition.

“Some big names in running, cycling and skimo will be there putting up some stout numbers, but you can just show up and run for fun. It’s only seven minutes,” Trimboli touts, adding that it’s also a good warm up for the Chapman Challenge Uphill Downhill Race on Friday.

Before the Light Parade on Friday evening, you decide to support another aspect of Extreme Snowdown at the recently revived Bed Rally Race, which takes place in the Steamworks parking lot around 3 p.m.

“Talk about extreme event planning,” says an overwhelmed but excited Lorraine Taylor, an assistant professor at Fort Lewis College, who was asked to bring the Bed Rally back.

Taylor presented the challenge of resurrecting this Snowdown crowd favorite to students in her event management class. That was only two weeks ago. She told them their budget was zero dollars.

Limited resources and information have forced the students to be resourceful, relying on community donations, such as shopping carts donated by Albertson’s. The students used hacksaws to cut off the wheels, which are then attached to the beds so they can be moved around an obstacle course.

“I heard there’d be snow Friday afternoon, and I wouldn’t expect anything less with the way this has gone so far,” Taylor laughs, calling her students “rockstars” after all they’ve been through.

The Light Parade will deliver its own array of extreme event planning, but you’re mildly distracted: after all, Snowdown’s toughest event looms on the horizon.

“One year, this guy hit huge air, and we thought he was dead,” recollected Miles Venzara, event coordinator for the Chapman Challenge Uphill Downhill Race.

Lightweight demo skis from Pine Needle Mountaineering will be available to test at this year’s event, but skis aren’t mandatory; snowboards, snowshoes, running shoes with microspikes, shovels, saucers, whatever means you need to get up and down, will do just fine.

Even if you’re not competing, “it’s a good spectator sport from the top or bottom. A lot of carnage,” Venzara added, noting there is a waiver when you sign up Friday night at Chapman Hill around 7:30 p.m.

Legs and lungs sufficiently exhausted, you call it an early night and forego waiting in line at Ponga’s for Snowdown’s most provocative workout opportunity happening late Friday night: a pole dancing contest.

I know: there are big screen TV’s with live feed of hot chicks for the whole bar to see and a VIP section right in front of the dancers, but really, you should go home and rest. After all, they’re also hosting a Pull-up Contest on Saturday night at 10.

“It’s always a serious competition. Guys get upset if you cheat. There are proper rules for everything: form, swinging your legs, going all the way past your chin. Ladies do one, too, and they’re pretty bad ass,” says Bobbi Malouf, co-owner and manager of the recently remodeled bar.

The record was set last year at 27 pull-ups for men, and there’s good news for amateurs this year: CrossFit competitors will be worn out from the Strongman and Strongwoman Competition that takes place Saturday morning.

Also happening Saturday is the most legendary quasi-athletic event of Snowdown: Josie Pete’s Golf Tournament. But it’s too late to sign up, and, furthermore, golf isn’t even a sport, so you’re not interested.

“There’s no defense played in golf,” sighs Mike Lett, Event Coordinator for the last eight years of the ole Josie Pete pub crawl that now includes 22 different bars around Durango. “It’s not a sport if there’s no defense.”

Lett shredded $40,000 worth of checks from Josie Pete hopefuls who didn’t make the cut in the mail-in drawing that occurs at the beginning of January.

If none of these sound extreme enough, then perhaps you’ll be interested in Hognar, Snowdown’s most unofficial running event that takes place only if trail conditions are respectable. Complete 20 laps on Hogsback by Sunday and be invited to an equally unofficial pig roast replete with hog-related prizes for finishers.

So many options, you cry. Sometimes, you wish you were 5 years old and only had to shake it at the library’s Snowdown Preschool Dance Party on Saturday. 

Whatever you end up doing, reward yourself Sunday morning at the Fairgrounds over pancakes served up by La Plata County Search and Rescue (LPCSAR) volunteers, who plan to be with you the other 360 days of the year as you pursue your latest passion of being extreme.

“Come to our breakfast and we’ll come to your rescue!” quips the LPCSAR poster to all extremely sexy, sober, young, athletic and hungry Durangoans, their preschoolers and dogs. Corsets optional; leashes required.