Tracy kisses up to a fish she pissed off months ago.

Diver: Tracy Regan, barista babe at Raider Ridge Cafe
Interesting fact: Fish can actually remember things for up to five months

Dear Diver,
So, this disgusting guy I work with likes to come into the office every morning and brags about his previous night’s “conquests.” Personally, I think he makes them all up, but either way, I’d rather not hear about it. How do I politely let him know I’m not interested in his sexploits – real or imagined.
– Braggart’s Coworker

Dear Polly Prudy Pants,
It’s easy to read between the lines here: Mr. Braggart is obviously the apple of your eye! You are experiencing feelings of jealousy, which is totally normal when you are crushing on someone who doesn’t even notice you. It sounds like he has quite the sex appeal, whereas you are a prude and inexperienced. Not to worry, Old Maid; we can get you ready in no time! My advice is to first read 50 Shades of Grey (and all the sequels.) Study them like they are your bibles! Once you are thoroughly enlightened, practice your fish gape in the mirror until you have it mastered. Put on this seductive fish face every time you see Mr. Dreamy until he literally swipes you off your feet and conquers you.
– Diver


Dear Diver,
How does anyone not gain a million pounds during the holidays? I just look at the buffet table and I gain 15 pounds. Please, diver, help me avoid the seasonal “bowl full of jelly” without being a big Scrooge.
– Trying to be Good

Dear Jelly Belly,
The answer is plain and simple: join one of the latest “intolerant” clubs. You know, lactose intolerant, yeast intolerant, meat and gravy intolerant, or the all-too-familiar gluten intolerant. Or even decide that you have a combination of two or more. Heck, you could even throw in vegetarian or vegan while you’re at it. Go ahead, everybody’s doing it, and your friends and relatives will take your “intolerance” seriously. Studies have shown that this is the best method to a skinny, happy you! You will be pleased to know that your intolerance will prevent you from eating the sweet and tender honey glazed ham, or the warm and creamy spinach and grilled artichoke dip, or the gooey baked brie with cranberries and pecans wrapped in a flaky puff pastry. You will also have to avoid the pumpkin espresso tiramisu, the chocolate truffle cheesecake and of course the homemade bourbon eggnog. If you’re lucky, all that will be left on your “allowed to eat” list will be a cup of hot tea (no sugar, of course). Bon appétit!
– Diver


Dear Diver,
Every year, my husband insists on keeping the leftover Thanksgiving turkey carcass for “soup” and “stew.” Well, he never gets around to it and instead it sits in the garage rotting until sometime around New Year’s I stumble upon it and throw it away. How do I convince him the turkey lived a good life, served out its usefulness on this planet and to just let go?
– Turkey Hoarder’s Wife

Dear Leftover Lucy,
Though I appreciate your husband’s attempt to be resourceful, the decaying turkey carcass has absolutely got to go. Follow these instructions to rid him of this disgusting habit: 1: Place turkey carcass in a box. 2: Wrap box with Christmas paper (do you see where I’m going here?); 3: Place box under Christmas tree, preferably nearest to the fireplace; 4: On Christmas Day give “present” to your husband, along with this message: “Roses are red, violets are blue, we both knew you wouldn’t make this into f***ing stew!”
– Diver

In a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
- 1309 E. Third Ave., Room 3 Durango, CO, 81301
- fax (970) 259-0488