Dan Groth gets some love out in the yard.

Diver: Dan Groth from Raider Ridge

Interesting fact: Dan has been known to engage in completely appropriate displays of public affection toward large, friendly cats.

Dear Diver,

In an effort to conserve water, I have decided it makes sense to buy more clothes. That way, I am not constantly doing the wash and wasting water and electricity. With more clothes on hand, I maybe have to do my wash every two weeks at the most. And I have more time to pursue other interests and ride my bike. My friends say this doesn’t make sense, but I think it is an ingenious idea. Who’s right?

– In the Closet

Dear ITC,

I am one step ahead of you.  I have, in fact, a closetful of cloaks: a cloak for every occasion, with replicates of each cloak-type. The standard one, which I have seven of,  is a royal purple cloak with armbands the color of a fresh-picked tangelo and featuring the Groth family crest on the back. I also have a have a satinal golden cloak with spangles of silver and a large “P” embroidered on the elbows and each pocket (the “P” stands for “Perfection,” by the way). On special occasions I will wear my flowing pitch-black cloak with a bold, enduring hood. On said occasions, I’ll skulk around in the shadows, melting into my nighttime surroundings, stopping wrong-doers in their tracks. I have other cloaks I’ll tell you about on a later date.

– Sincerely, the Diver

Dear Diver,

I work at a local grocery store and it really makes me mad that my coworkers never volunteer to stay late to help out. As soon as their shift is up, they’re out of there, like they just don’t care. And you can forget about asking them to pick up shifts or god forbid, do anything outside their job description. What ever happened to team spirit? Or am I just a spineless sucker?

– Team Player

Dear Team Player,

Your dilemma reminds me of an old story from the glory days of tag team pro-wrestling. Hulk Hogan and Macho Man Randy Savage were facing off against the Big Boss Man and Hakeem the African Dream with Miss Elizabeth ringside cheering on Hulk and Macho Man. Partway into the match, the Macho Man got thrown out of the ring and right into Miss Elizabeth, who was then taken out of the arena on a stretcher followed by a doting Hulk Hogan. Meanwhile, the Macho Man (may he rest in peace), was being unfairly double-teamed by his foes while the hapless ref made little attempt to stop this serious infraction. When the Hulkster finally returned, Macho Man refused his tag because he was angry to have been abandoned (and perhaps jealous of the Hulkster’s attention to Miss Elizabeth). The Macho Man ended up gathering up a reserve of strength to vanquish his foes by himself, thus spurning the friendship of the Hulkster, and in the process, turning into a bad guy who associates himself with the unsavory likes of Sensational Sherri. I’m not sure what the moral of this story is, but I did want to relate it because it is the first WWF match I ever saw on TV.

– Sincerely, Diver

Dear Diver,

I really love bacon. And it’s not just because it happens to be all the rage with everyone and their brother with a mustache right now. Long before they started adding it to everything under the sun (ice cream? Give me a break!) I have been a connoisseur of the swine. What really chaps my backfat, though, is that all these piggy come lately’s are driving up the demand and thus, the price of my beloved sizzlin’ strips of smoky scrumptiousness. How do we convince America it was better when everyone loved their KFC and Quarter Pounders and to leave bacon to the professionals?

– Big Fat Deal

Dear BFD,

I’d like you to think outside the box. Inside the box is a perfectly nice meat that is called “bacon,” but outside the box is a Wide World of Sports, replete with Wild Kingdom aspects. Consider these meaty treats: smoked gibbon ribs, cured & sliced tapir jowls, the boiled soft-tissue of a liger, a rosemary-infused roast of a juvenile Eastern screech owl, hard-boiled marmot-shanks, BBQed coywolf, boiled caribou-backbone souffle, and a quiche featuring the milk of a leaf-nosed bat and a finely diced cassowary crest. My favorite dish, however, is a recipe I call the “Crow’s Nest” and features a bed of rice and a single carrot wrapped in old, sagging zucchini.

– Sincerely, Diver