Madeleine likes small arms and big hats.

Diver: Madeleine Fronsexy
Interesting Facts: In the 18th Century, people would rent pineapples to take to parties as a status symbol

Dear Diver,
I moved out to Colorado to go to school four years ago, and now that I’m almost done, my parents and family back East keep asking me when I’m going to “stop the nonsense and come home.” Truth is, I feel like the mountains are my home. How do I tell them I am staying here without offending them or making them think I am living in some hippie commune or just being a bum?
–  Non-native

Dear Wanna-be,
Oh, what a classic Durangollema. It appears we all must reach this pivotal moment in our Durango-life experience when we question if we shall leave or not. As a fellow East Coast runaway, I can relate. You’ve forged a new life in the mountains away from the dreary bitter cold winters and mosquito infested swamp-ass summers. I know it’s hard to convince people you don’t just want to live in Colorado because weed is legal, and it can be very challenging to live in Durango without falling into the category of ski bum or communal hippie living. With the parentals, it may take a good pitch for your intentions in the great state of Colorado, but I’m pretty sure that once anyone gets a good whiff of the mountain air and the ganja plants wafting from the woodlands, they’ll understand. Now, if Durango feels like your home, then no matter where you go, you’ll have it to come back to. I recently left Durango and was assured by nearly everyone that I would be back. If your heart is truly in Durango, you can’t stay away for too long.
– Diver

Dear Diver,
Now that the cold and flu season is upon us, please help with an age-old discussion: to get a flu shot or not to get a flu shot. Some of my friends claim they get one and still end up getting sick while other swear by them. I personally have had mixed results in the past and am not exactly a fan of needles, what does the diver think? Worth it or waste of time?|
–  Needle Shy

Dear Needy,
An avid conspiracy theorist follower, my father always talked me out of the flu shot. Whether or not you believe that the flu shot is a government brainwashing tactic or attempt to inject us with robot juices, I say better safe than sorry. You are safer sleeping off a cold than dealing with whatever weirdness “they” are trying to poison us with. You needn’t worry, my needle-shy friend. If you are around people to any extent or are out in the cold or are simply not chewing on your daily dose of osha root, you will probably get sick this winter. It happens to the best of us, and it’s a splendid excuse to avoid soaking your long johns in the snow and hunker down and drink tea with a book by the wood stove.
– Diver

Dear Diver,
What is the ideal gift for a longtime employee’s 10-year anniversary? There’s always the gold watch or engraved pen, but those are so cliche. What are some unique and thoughtful ways to show appreciation outside of the boring old corporate same old same old?
– Bossy Pants

Dear #1 Employer,
If you are not going to go with the obvious face cake (who doesn’t love there own face illustrated in the medium of frosting?) then it’s worth mentioning that there is no greater gift than the gift of song. An original composition or perhaps a personal twist on a classic is the perfect way to show someone how much you care. In addition, there is always the classic hand-made coupon that looks like it was made by a 5-year old. Find some construction paper and markers and give him or her “a non refundable hug” or “a shoulder to lean on.” If you are not interested in any of these thrifty fun options, maybe go for what the employee really needs: A gift basket of ridiculous amounts of fudge and jumbo packs of mini floss. Everybody wants more fudge than they can realistically buy and having floss in every bag or jacket pocket is a wise decision for anyone who takes dental hygiene seriously.
– Diver