Dumpster sniffer Capt. John, from Grassburger.

Diver: Capt. John Parker Smith, from Grassburger
Interesting Facts: Saxophonist, whaling protestor, enjoys cleaning up river trash

Dear Diver,
I work downtown and can’t help but notice that all the restaurant dumpsters seem to smell the same (bad!) Even different ethnic restaurants whose foods taste completely different all smell the same once they’re in the alley dumpster. It makes me wonder: does it all come from a big vat labeled “food” somewhere?
– Chewing on It

Dear Chewing On It,
I also work downtown and can’t help but notice the same rank smell as I walk down Narrow Gauge Ave., and you’re right – it all smells the same. Now you’ve got a great point with this food vat theory, does it all come from one place? I think it just might. Sysco, the food industry’s biggest distributor, has 125 distribution centers and earned $44 billion in 2013. In addition to the Sysco food we all love, around 40 percent of the United States’ vegetable and agriculture seed is sourced from Monsanto. I’m willing to trust both companies when they say they’re the leaders in their industries, and that they pride themselves in providing nutritional food for us all. As a fourth-year science major, I support your hypothesis. It seems as if our food does indeed come from few (if not one) peddlers. The obvious solution is to support our local farmers more than ever! The beets from Fields to Plate Produce blow Monsanto’s out of the water.
– Diver


Dear Diver,
Help! I am in charge of planning the office Christmas party this year for about 25-30 people. We’ve had some really bad luck in the past: bad service, bad food, bad weather and once we had our party at a place that didn’t even have the heat on! What ideas does the diver have for the best office party ever? Or at least one where we can take out coats off?
– Party Planner 

Dear Party Planner,
Now this is my forte. As a newly legal consumer of alcohol, I love throwing parties. There’s nothing better than being the reason everyone from work is exhausted on Monday. First things first, no more bad parties! It’s going to be snowy, so plan to either be inside somewhere downtown or get shuttled around by the Buckhorn. The Lost Dog holds events, probably including office Christmas parties. Get food there or potentially get catering from Serious Texas, Zia or even Grassburger. Depending on your budget, there’s no reason anyone should go hungry. Now if you really want to get crazy, call Durango Bouncy Houses to reserve your yellow castle or step it up with the super sport combo bounce house. One more thing: booze! In the spirit of the holidays, remember to drink responsibly, but also remember that some traditional holiday liquor was recently discovered to contain propylene glycol. That’s right, Fireball contains antifreeze. So watch out for that. And don’t forget great tunes to get down to, maybe hire a local band or DJ. And most importantly, have fun and don’t slip on the icy streets after your raging party!
– Diver


Dear Diver,
I keep getting this email from a woman named “Yevgeniya.” I’m pretty sure she’s not local, but she sounds like a nice gal. According to her emails, she is a sensual, caring and attractive lady who loves animals and communicate with them gives me great pleasure! She also likes to do fitness and likes to watch basketbal matches! After playing the Durango dating game, she sounds like a dream. Should I go for it?
– Nothing to Lose

Dear Nothing to Lose,
Wow, Yevgeniya is it? What a mouthful of a beautiful name, although I’m not sure I’m pronouncing it correctly. She’s obviously Russian (not local) but lets make sure she’s not just “Russian” for your money or a green card. If she checks out, she sounds like an Eastern European dream come true. In fact, it could be possible that your dream girl’s full name is Yevgeniya Diordiychuk, the cover girl of Russia’s Playboy magazine in October 2009. That makes the attractive and sensual part seem more true. And she can talk to animals?! As long as she’s not telling them the details of a communist takeover plot or confessing her crimes as a Russian spy, she’s fine with me. I think it’s time you start draining 3-pointers and working on your vertical leap so she can watch you win your basketbal matches and do fitness with you.
– Diver

In a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
- 1309 E. Third Ave., Room 3 Durango, CO, 81301
- fax (970) 259-0488
- telegraph@durangotelegraph.com


In this week's issue...

January 25, 2024
Bagging it

State plastic bag ban is in full effect, but enforcement varies

January 26, 2024
Paper chase

The Sneer is back – and no we’re not talking about Billy Idol’s comeback tour.

January 11, 2024
High and dry

New state climate report projects continued warming, declining streamflows