Diver: Dan Groth
Interesting fact: Dan was offered a starring role in the TV show, “Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper,” but had to decline because his band was about to go on tour with Winger.

Dan Groth channeling John Wayne Gacy.

Dear Diver,
My boyfriend got laid off about 4 months ago. I made the mistake of telling him he could move in with me to help save on expenses till he got back on his feet. As far as I can tell, all he does is sit on his butt all day with the bong up his nose. He claims he’s looking for a work whenever I ask him, but sometimes I think he’s never going to find a job, nor does he have any intention to. Whenever I threaten to kick him out, he lays on the guilt. What to do – I can barely support myself let alone him?
– Sponge Bob’s Girlfriend

Dead Girlfriend,
I can relate. Freeloader problems are rampant in my castle keep: there are books, for instance, who have overstayed their welcome and continue to smugly fester on my vast bookcases. However, I was recently able to depart with a leaky down pillow whose feathers were regularly making appearances on my person. This ordeal caused some of my associates to call me such names as “Mr. Mallard,” “Dr. Duckenstein,” “Feathered Friend” and “Quacky.” Some of them also gave me a severe wedgie. I said goodbye to the pillow and I miss the comfort that it provided me – but I do not miss the errant feathers. I hope this pillow story can assist you in determining how to kick out your boyfriend.
– Diver


Dear Diver,
So, the city installed those new circular bike racks on their parking meters for people to lock their bikes to. But I can’t, for the life of me, figure out how the heck they’re supposed to work without the bike either a) falling over or b) going into the street or sidewalk. If this is some kind of IQ test, I failed epicly. Please Diver, enlighten me.
– Spinning My Wheels

Dear SMW,
Let me tell you about a dream I had recently where there lay on the ground a golden lock of resplendent curlicue hair which was fashioned into a reticulated rattlesnake-facsimile. It wavered slightly in an unsettling breeze and had a scent rather like that of dried beef. As I gazed up onto the hazy horizon from this sight, I was startled awake. I then immediately had a very clear realization that anyone can lock their bike to any immovable, sturdy object. If you are having problems with the new bike racks, please consider using a sign post or a tree.
– Diver


Dear Diver,
There is a lot of talk among local drivers about how bad drivers from New Mexico are, but I think Durango drivers are just as bad, if not worse. Take the recent construction – don’t these people know about gridlock? And that you can’t pull out into the middle of an intersection when the light is about to turn red and then just stop there? Or block the entrance/exit to City Market while you wait for the light to turn green? Do we need to send them all to New York City for a crash course in city driving?
– Stuck in Reverse

Dear Stuck,
I love New Mexico: and its residents aren’t too shabby, to say the least. I have wondered if the people of New Mexico like to talk about how bad Colorado drivers are, but I’d like to think they are too genial for such behavior. In my view, all drivers are potentially bad drivers when they are not in their familiar surroundings, so it’s unfair to pick out our neighbors to the south. And yes, I believe that Durangoans aren’t always the best drivers, but allow me to rather smugly and self-righteously suggest to you that bicycling, rather than driving, is much less stressful – and the less people driving, the smoother the traffic.
– Diver

In a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
- 1309 E. Third Ave., Room 3 Durango, CO, 81301
- fax (970) 259-0488
- telegraph@durangotelegraph.com


In this week's issue...

January 25, 2024
Bagging it

State plastic bag ban is in full effect, but enforcement varies

January 26, 2024
Paper chase

The Sneer is back – and no we’re not talking about Billy Idol’s comeback tour.

January 11, 2024
High and dry

New state climate report projects continued warming, declining streamflows