Six months ago, I lost my best friend and lover to what she believes is the best city in the world:  Durango. After a visit, I must say it is very charming, and I can see why she wanted to move. My problem: how does a man from crappy old Virginia compete with a city that has a giant paved river walk, awesome outdoor amenities, a roller derby team with a player named “Camo Toe” and what seems like an endless supply of perpetually happy people? Even the so-called “problems” of your fair city – like half-clad tubers, deer grazing in gardens, parks under construction and self-centered bikers – may seem trivial to some. Perhaps I need to realize she is gone forever. I mean a place with a mayor named “Sweetie” how can I ever contend?
– Bitter in Virginia

Dear Bitter,
Not to nit-pick, but we have self-centered “cyclists” here, not “bikers.” If we had self-centered bikers, we would look a lot more like Sturgis … or Ignacio. And if that were the case, I would pick a nice man in a crappy town in Virginia any day. Alas, I won’t get into how infuriating it is to drive around here in the summer, but as you said, it’s a minor downside to this otherwise GLORIOUS place. And no, you can’t compete, don’t try, it’s too freaking awesome here. You could be Burt Reynolds hot and still not compete. So here is an idea: MOVE HERE! It sounds like you are as in love with our town as your girl is, so just come on over. It’s worth it, even with all the cyclists.
– Share the Road, Diver

Dear Diver,
Why is it that people insist on throwing their trash into bins on the sidewalks that are clearly labeled “recycling?” Are they morally opposed to recycling? Do they think their dirty ice cream container or half-full Starbucks cup is recyclable? Or maybe there is an even bigger epidemic at work here: illiteracy. Perhaps a video or pantomime visually demonstrating the act of recycling would help?
– Getting Trashed

Dear Trashed,
People suck. My advice? Don’t have high expectations. We should be lucky these illiterate, morally opposed folks are actually getting the trash into a container at all. Expecting them to know what type of material is designated for what container is just too much to ask. I am a long time “North County” resident and have worked in the resort and service industry most of my life. Do you know what I see? People setting huge bags of trash on top or next to dumpsters as they leave their vacation homes to return to warmer parts of our country (where the Trash Fairy must visit regularly). The birds tear into it, and there is trash covering the snowy mountain landscape. Would you rather see a Starbucks cup in a recycling bin or floating in the river?
– Morally Recyclable, Diver

Dear Diver,
I am at my wit’s end with my kids. They are at the dreadful tweener age – too old for kids camp but too young to trust to do anything productive during the day. I am worried their brains and bodies are going to rot into a pile of mush! I suggest ideas to get them outside, but they only bitch and groan. I know summer is supposed to be a time to be carefree and young, but I am worried they are going to rot into mindless video zombies.
–Mombie Apocalypse

Dear Apocalypse,
I know where you’re coming from, I have to go all Gunnery Sergeant Hartman on my 8-year-old to get her to play outside. But here is the truth: it has been way too hot the last few weeks. The only reason I go outside right now is to float the river. Since beer and river tubing are pretty inappropriate for a tween, let’s explore other options. Shut off your internet before you go to work. Confiscate all phones, iPads and devices. Hide the PlayStation and XBOX. Go to the library. If they want to be inside, fine, but no digital media (except maybe educational films). Then, at least, you will be creating super-fast Resident Evil style zombies instead of dumb, slow, George A. Romero style zombies. Essentially, create an environment much like a minimum security prison. If they don’t want to read, draw or learn, then they can stare at the wall. As soon as the boredom sets in, they will be reading, getting in some “yard time” or making toilet paper roses just to keep from going insane.
– The Dishwalking Dead, Diver

In a sticky situation?