Insider’s tips

Whoopi Goldberg once said, “Normal is nothing more than a cycle on the washing machine.” But anyone with the first name Whoopi must be a little weird.

While terms like “normal” and “abnormal” are fairly subjective and confining, it is fair to say within a society, a culture, or even a group of friends, certain behavior is socially acceptable while other behavior is not.  Wearing flip flops to dinner is normal in Durango; it is far from normal in fashionable cities like New York or Paris – even if they are your nice flip-flops.

Social norms and behaviors vary depending upon the environment, even with the same group of people.  Think, for example, of a river trip. Friends on the outside become tribal on the river, hopefully avoiding some uncomfortable Lord of the Flies reenactments. Relationships become intensified and group dynamics form quickly.

Here are a few behaviors that are considered perfectly normal on the river but may be signs of mental instability when back with “normal” society (henceforth referred to as “the outside.”)

 Wearing dirty, torn clothing or walking around in nothing but a bathing suit may get you looks or worse on the outside. Without a shirt and shoes, a person is unworthy of entering certain establishments and unfit to be seen by the public. Well, if you feel choked by T-shirts or if your shoes seem like coffins for your feet, then the river is the place for you. Board shorts and sandals, sarongs and dirty baseball caps set the standard for looking good in a place where underwear becomes a silly contraption second in comfort to a bathing suit.

In general, one’s appearance becomes an afterthought without mirrors or inhibitions. Men wear nail polish, women grow body hair, and everyone wears costumes even if it’s not Halloween. Bad haircuts are your badge of honor, though perhaps that mullet wasn’t quite what you were thinking of when you let your friend and his buddy Jim Beam cut your hair. On the bright side, you don’t have to look at it, and your girlfriend probably won’t notice until you’re back on the outside.

In normal, functioning societies (i.e. not on a college campus) drinking before noon is a symptom of addiction. On the river, booze consumption often begins with Irish Cream and coffee followed shortly thereafter by a beer and a game of bocce ball. Beer bongs, normally absent outside of a frat house, become an essential piece of equipment on the river. However, due to a supernatural combination of sun, dirt and sleeping under the stars, drunks and hangovers are few and far between. On the river, one experiences a different normal state of mind.

Living outside for days or weeks brings new expectations for hygiene, mostly that any expectations you had to begin with are compromised. Perhaps you enjoy your 30-minute showers every morning on the outside, but thanks to the challenge of a sun shower and the, uh, refreshing temperatures of the often muddy river, your time spent cleaning yourself will be brief and not highly effective. Fortunately, it won’t really matter until you re-enter society, because on the river, you are the new normal (along with your new-normal body odor).

Along with conceding cleanliness to the course of nature comes the abandonment of modesty. In a surprisingly short amount of time, humans reared in the tradition of Western society cease to scorn bodily functions and begin to resemble monkeys in the zoo. Grooving (aka, “when nature calls” or any other choice euphemism about a man and a dog) becomes an accepted part of conversation. Pictures of tribe members grooving are taken and compiled to create calendars for the more artistically inclined river trippers.

Although answering the call of nature in a semi-public place is grounds for arrest in the outside world, it is normal on the river. But once you return from your trip, do not expect your roommate to be as tolerant of toilet surprises as your river tribe; it’s not as funny in the outside world.

While people in the outside world cannot seem to find enough time in the day to accomplish everything they want – from the gym, to work, shopping, cleaning, spending time with loved ones and pursuing hobbies – accomplishment on the river looks a bit different. Every day includes eating, drinking, packing, unpacking, and (usually) traveling to the next camp site, while stopping for the occasional hike up a side canyon. These are busy days that pass in games and laughter, naps and books, yet there always seems to be enough time. This is a phenomenon rarely experienced on the outside.

Remember, upon returning from your latest river trip, to leave the behaviors, jokes and clothes of the river in a separate corner of your house and your life. The consequence of not doing so will result in incarceration or forced rehabilitation – unless you live in a river town in southwest Colorado where the worst of you may pass for eccentric and the rest will fit in just fine.

– Maggie Casey