Dear Diver,
Now that bicyclists have their own special green boxes all to themselves on the streets, they think they’re all high and mighty. Like they’re invincible or something. And if you even so much as get an inch into their green box, they give you a dirty look. What’s up with that? Wasn’t it better when they cowered in fear at the thought of becoming road kill? How do we put ’em back in their place?
– Green with Envy

Dearest Pedal Envy,
Unfortunately, on January 1, 2014, when the fool hardy Colorado voters officially legalized going green, they gave those holier than thou bi-holes license to think they can do whatever they want and now they have no shame; striding around Durango-town on their stoner steeds, riding high on their high horses and pulling their tubes up to intersections that are specially color coded to allow them to puff up their chests and cut to the front of the line. It really leaves me fuming, but I know a way to knock them down a notch. I suggest you parallel park your largest motorized vehicle, under a shady tree, on The Boulevard and sit in wait. Before long one of those green machines will come rolling up and when they appear all you need do is just swing your car door ajar. They’ll take a big hit that will surely send their head spinning and by the time the smoke clears you’ll be driving away with a big grin and a serious case of the giggles.
– Thinking outside the box, Trevor

Dear Diver,
My friends and I are starting a band. None of us know how to play instruments, so options are wide open. Right now, I am torn between drums and guitar. Which one, in your opinion, gets the most chicks? I am leaning toward drums, but then again, I’m also a little scared of the drummer’s curse. You know, choking on vomit, spontaneous combustion, etc.
– Van Flailin’

Dear Van-down-by-the-river,
Luckily for you and your friends, it is no longer necessary to be able to play an instrument, carry a tune or even be good looking in order to be rich and famous in the music industry. For example: Kanye West, Ke$ha, Justin Bieber, Fergie, Liam Gallagher, Pete Townshend, Taylor Swift, James Murphy, Britney Spears, Dave Matthews, Katy Perry; the list goes on. But whatever you do, don’t play the bass because everyone knows that the bass player is the loser of the band.
–  Rovert, Trevor Rovert

Dear Diver,
I need to give a speech in front of large group. I am a bit nervous, not used to doing such things. I don’t even have a Power Point presentation. What tips does the diver have for calming the nerves (aside from imagining everyone in their underwear, which might make matters worse). I am especially worried about accidentally deploying the F-bomb.
– Stage Fright 

Dear S.F.,
I’m not sure how the silly notion of imagining the audience in their skivvies has been perpetuated for so many years. The fact is they have it all backwards. You see, the best way to give a speech in front of a large group of strangers is for YOU to slip into the silkiest, sexiest unmentionables that you can find. And you don’t need a Power Point presentation, just an iPod. Download some sweet tunes like “Gold Digger,” “Tik Tok,” “Baby,” “My Humps”, “Champagne Supernova,” “Pinball Wizard,” “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together,” “Daft Punk is Playing at My House,” “Oops I Did it Again,” “Crash Into Me” and “Teenage Dream.” Hook your iPod up to the sound system and press play. Then just swing the door open wide and tell them all to go F themselves.
–  XtROVERT

In a sticky situation?