Dear Diver,
Please help solve a mystery at our office. The other day, we came to work to find a note that said “thanks for all you do” and then a strange wooden cylinder, about 18 inches high and half as wide, split into four equal parts, lengthwise. We think the letter and cylinder are related, since no one has come to claim it. But it is hard to tell since the letter was signed only with a heart and a smiley face. What is this offering?
– Perplexed

Dear Stumped,
There’s a chance your gift is a type of good-luck totem meant to inhabit the four corners of your room, aligning the forces of nature in your favor. But there’s a bigger chance it’s a pile of crap from one of those people who like to give gifts they really want for themselves. These people are inconsiderate jerks who aren’t fooling anyone with a 12” double-bevel sliding compound miter saw with laser guide system ... or so I’m told. By my wife. Who hated her birthday saw.
– #stickwithgiftcards, The Diver

Dear Diver,
My friend just got a new car and can’t stop bragging about his “hemi.” I just nod and play along and say how cool it is, but I really have no idea what the heck one is. I don’t want to seem stupid but if I had to guess, I would say it’s short for a painful condition found on the posterior. Help before they yank my man card.
– Hemi-ing and Haw-ing

Dear Hemi-roids,
It turns out “hemi” is just another word for “compensating.” “I have a hemi” is a lot easier to say than, “Hey guys, I’m shorter than most people, and I’m trying to gain a sense of self-worth and validation through material possessions rather than quality of character.” You don’t need to know what a hemi is. Just loudly exclaim “EFF YEAH HEMIS!” and high-five the fire outta your buddy’s hand. Just don’t hold your hand too high, you don’t want to make the little guy jump for it.
– #realtalk, The Diver

Dear Diver,
Now that tubing season is here, I am having trouble decoding the new rules. Does my dog need to have a paddle, too? And what about the beer cooler - beer can’t paddle itself. How’s it supposed to get down the river?
– Floater Fred

Whoa There Fred...
What’s all this “rules” business? The only law the river follows is the law of nature. The river doesn’t care about things like the organized flow of traffic, common courtesy or safety. It goes wherever it wants, makes as much noise as it wants, and doesn’t let anyone tell it what to do. It’s basically a belligerent gurgling jerk who can’t travel in a straight line. Probably just like you halfway through your beer cooler. So don’t let The Man harsh your marshmallow with fun-sucking rules meant to “protect” you and the people around you. Nature is your home, the river is your toilet. And no one should be told what to do in their own toilet.
– #jk #i<3nature #dontbeatubehole, The Diver

In a sticky situation?