Dearest Diver,
I am hoping to find an explanation. What exactly does 5 nanograms of THC in the bloodstream feel like? This legalization presents numbers that I don’t fully understand when it comes to getting behind the wheel. Whose idea was this anyway?
– Seriously, Wondering

Daddy Dearest,
Thanks to Governor “I hate this experiment” Hickenlooper, we already have a scale, and it’s posted up on the State of Colorado website. Unfortunately, the website was already hacked by Russian teen-agers, because, well, the government built it. So, we’ve spent most of this week inventing our own scale. Here she blows: 1 nanogram - busting out the Cheetos and Goldfish; 2 nanograms - feeding those Cheetos and Goldfish to a horse, who happens to be named Buttercup. 3 nanograms - selling meth to feed your weed habit. 4 nanograms - armed robbery and murder to feed your out of control weed habit. 5 nanograms - ending up in a cell, and your cellmate is a guy named Nasty Nate, who is controlled by the Squirrel Master. Fortunately Squirrel Master has your back.
And then the weed starts wearing off.
– Holding on at three nanograms, Divers

Dear Diver,
So, my husband is quitting chew – again. As you can imagine, he is not exactly pleasant to be around. The other day, he bit my head off for parking the car wrong. Then, we went out to dinner to try to relax and all he did was complain and insult the waitress. I am trying to be supportive, but he is really making my life a living hell. Please, give me tips on dealing – and quick, before the Big League Chew runs out.
– Chewed Out
Dear Chew with your mouth closed,
There is only one prudent piece of advice I can give you. If your husband is going to be a quitter – again – then you’re the only one who can show him who wears the pants and start chewing yourself. When he gets irritable put in a huge chew and make sure it’s all over your teeth. Once you have been chewing for a while, quit. Then the both of you will be irritable together so when you’re parking the car wrong you can both be snappy and you both can insult wait staff as a team. As you see, this plan is win-win. Neither will be embarrassed as both of you will be embarrassed of each other. At some point, he will realize being a quitter is not all its cracked up to be, he will start chewing again, you will be both be chewing, then all will go back to normal. Remember though, spit before kissing.
– Spit, don’t swallow, Diver

Dear Diver,
It seems like every time I fly, no matter how careful I am, I always get sick. Well, I am supposed to go away for spring break and am already dreading I will contract some dreaded illness that will ruin the only vacation I’ve had in five years. What sorts of precautions, short of zipping myself up in a airplane bubble suit, does the diver suggest to stay germ free in the friendly skies.
– Seat 24B

Dear…
It seems like every time I fly, no matter how careful I am, I always encounter snakes on the plane. No matter where I sit, Samuel L. Jackson is always sitting next to me yelling, “Who the f**k put snakes on this mother f**king plane?” Airplane sicknesses can be as simple as a sniffle up to super G which can be contracted via joining the famous mile high club. I think your idea of going the John Travolta way, get in that plastic bubble, start chewing, and that should ensure you won’t enter the mile high club.
– Get your flu shot

In a sticky situation?