The Sancho is among the mustachio challenged.

Diver: Sancho
Interesting Facts: My cousin starred in Team America World Police.  He played the part of Gary, the marionette.  No lies.

Dear Diver,
Why is it that people eat all the grapes off the top of the bowl, but refuse to eat the ones that wind up at the bottom of the bowl, even though they seen to be perfectly fine. Even putting the bottom grapes in a smaller bowl, no one seems to want to touch them. It seems the same with boxes of cereal, cartons of ice cream, bags of chips, loaves of bread. People open a new package before the last one is finished. What gives?
– Kitchen Nazi

Dear Cootie Nazi,
To the uninformed, they seem perfectly fine. However, to the astute eye (and/or germ-a-phobe) they are tainted! With gosh knows what. And with the ebola scare recently, who can blame them for shying away? And in light of other more popular illnesses such as influenza, shingles, hepatitis, it really comes down to one single thing: you just don’t want to get the poo on you. The average hand-washing routine of even adults is piss poor (no pun intended). Consider yourself savvy now, and do yourself a favor. Leave the grapes for the untrained eyes.
– Diver   


Dear Diver,
Now that mustaches are all the rage, I have been forced to shave mine of many years for fear of being mistaken as a hipster. Only thing is, I really despise the daily chore of shaving. What ideas does the diver have for facial hair management that does not involve a mustache or beard?
– Baby Face

Dear Dirty Sanchez,
If you are comfortable with forgoing mustache rides in favor of easy clean-up, get your face laminated. Find a reputable facial laminator, throw down the coin, and then just spray and wipe. Next time you eat powdered donuts, crab legs, ribs, chicken wings, etc. you will be the envy of all the heavily bearded hipsters.
– Diver


Dear Diver,
My neighbor never picks up his dog’s poop. Instead, every day, I am the one who picks up after his dogs. He acts like he just doesn’t see it - or maybe he thinks his dogs don’t poop. Needless to say, I am getting a little tired of being the neighborhood poop patrol. How do I get the message across that little poop fairies do not magically appear to clean up after his pets?
– Pooper Scooper

Dear Poop-cicle cleaner,
You need to take on a private investigator approach on this one: Inconspicuously follow the alleged perpetrator to his home. Make mental note. Bag the evidence from your lawn (at least two week’s worth) – the mushy factor will be way low since its wintertime, and it’ll be frozen. Deposit the sack o’ turds on the perp’s lawn, being careful to disguise the ensuing shit-eating grin you will surely have. Remember to savor the moment, and look forward to feces-free lawn care in the immediate and foreseeable future.
– Diver     

In a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
- 1309 E. Third Ave., Room 3 Durango, CO, 81301
- fax (970) 259-0488