The Wildcat, aka the Pineapple King of Oklahoma.

Diver: The Wildcat
Interesting Facts: (Brad Pitt) + (Spiderman) – (magic spider) + (Louie Anderson) / (Netflix) = The Wildcat

Dear Diver,
What’s with the pet owners that refer to themselves as “parents?” I have that obnoxious co-worker who owns a dog and a cat; when I talk about my child she will say “I know what you mean…” and then tell a story about her pet. I have no doubt that she loves her pet like a child, and that’s fine. But I bummed her out when I asked her if she lies awake at night like I do worrying about how she will put her “kids” through college. I also say true parents wouldn’t play “Kevorkian” and put their kids down when they have a terminal illness. She’s not a parent, she’s a pet owner! Am I right?
– Jimbo in Telluride

Hey Jimbo,
How’s the weather up there, you know, on your ivory tower of petchild judgment? How would you feel if your freak kid grew a beard over his or her entire body and it made them so hot they had to pant all the time? How would you feel if they decided they felt oppressed by standardized education and wanted to spend a life chasing squirrels? Would you still love them? Probably not, because you’re a terrible person. I sit in judgment of your petchild judgment, Jimbo. And it’s OK to judge a judger because judging your judgment cancels out my own. I read that in a book. That I wrote. That I keep under my pillow. That’s my diary.
I hope your kids become vets,
– The Diver

Dear Diver,
Now that it’s the new year, I need to turn over a new leaf. I have resolved to simplify my life. The problem is: where to start? Let’s just say, gone are the days I could fit all my belonging in the back of my Subaru. Please diver, help me pare down the junk and get back to basics and figuring out what really matters.
– Existent Al

Dear Al,
Questioning your life choices and starting fresh can be an amazing catalyst in your life. I’m thrilled you decided to seek counsel for your existential needs from a weekly newspaper “advice” column, because that’s usually a good idea. It’s as if the cosmic thingies have done stuff and brought us together. I believe my brain is thinking the thought food your heart mouth needs to find your way. The heaviest things that weigh down your life leaf are expensive stuff. Jewelry, DVDs, crystal goblets, AA batteries, credit cards, size 10.5 shoes, it’s all poison. You should put all your toxic valuables in a box, and put that box under the bench at Buckley Park at 3 p.m. next Thursday and never look back. Even if you see a guy in house shoes and an uncomfortably short bathrobe carry it away. He’s just life’s cosmic angel freeing you from your prison of cool stuff.
– The Diver

Dear Diver,
They say no two snow flakes are alike, but how do they know? And who are “they” anyway? Seem like a bunch of know-it-alls.
– Flaky

Dear Flake-n-bake,
“They” are scientists, or as I like to call them: liars. There are all sorts of scientists ... moon scientists, platypus scientists, butt scientists ... and every last one of them is a liar. Magnet scientists tell you myths about “atoms” and “polarity” and “electron fields.” Snowflake scientists spin yarns about quintillions of water vapor molecules freezing together to make a single snowflake that could never match another because of “likely probability.” Truth can never be found in the deceptive lair of lies known as science. The real answer is no two snowflakes are alike because magic. Magnets? Magic. Platypuses? Definitely magic.
Trust me, I’m smarter than every scientist I’ve never met.
– The Diver