Eugene, Durango’s last unicorn.

Diver: Drunk Diving with Eugene from “The Millers”
Interesting Facts: Unicorns only appear on “powder days” at Purgatory. They fart sparkle dust which shimmers on the snow.

Dear Diver,
Please help settle a classic argument at the workplace. What is the best Journey song of all time? The obvious crowd favorite is “Don’t Stop Believing,” but I find it overplayed and downright trite, especially after it was so lamely used in the “Sopranos” finale. Personally, I much prefer “Lights,” “Lovin’, Touchin’” or the power ballad to end all power ballads, “Faithfully.” Please, Diver, use your musical genius and insight to guide us on this ongoing battle of the band.

– Steve Perry’s Fan Club

Dear SPFC,
What was Steve Perry’s last song again? Yeah, that one. Thank the Journey Gods above that we aren’t sitting around listening to “Journey Christmas 2014.” Good thing the Philippines have the best Journey karaoke bars in the world, so we can still revel in Journey’s hits summer after summer after summer after….. you get the point.
– Don’t stop believing, Eugene the Birthday Unicorn


Dear Diver,
I just found out my wife’s family will be coming from Michigan for an extended stay over the holidays. They do not ski, hike or really do much of anything, other than eat, drink and watch the home shopping network. Needless to say, they think I’m a freak for wanting to get off the couch and do something – anything! – and often take offense. This is in between offering “helpful” suggestions on how I could live my life better, mind you.  Please, help me cope - there is no couch in the world big enough, no vat of egg nog deep enough to get me through these dark days.

– Prisoner of My Own Home

Dear Prisoner,
My helpful suggestion is to take a field trip to one of our local (and legal) marijuana dispensaries. Perhaps you can coax (or dose) your in-laws. And maybe you should have some too. I hear it can make your couch much larger and the eggnog much deeper.
– Sincerely, High Eugene

P.S. I’d recommend Cheeba Chews.
P.P.S. As soon as they start freaking, take them up the Nature Trail (which will make EVERYONE’S life better).


Dear Diver,
So, it seems the local deer population is out in full force with the colder temperatures. I can barely walk 10 feet without seeing one. And it seems they are getting more aggressive and/or brazen. They no longer seem to politely scurry off when humans are present, and the other day, me and my dog (who was on a leash and behaving) were nearly bum-rushed by one. My question: what is the proper protocol when encountering a deer in the urban jungle of Durango? Can we just carry on as usual or should we be watching our backs (and any other vulnerable parts)?
– Running Scared

Deer Scared,
No need to worry, for our beloved climate is soon to be that of Farmington’s. You will no longer need to fear the flourishing deer, for the Chupacabra will be stalking the night. Chupacabra are known to have an unquenchable thirst for Durango Deer Blood™ (DDB). However, Chupacabra can smell fear so, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, do not be afraid.
– Love, Eugene

In a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
- 1309 E. Third Ave., Room 3 Durango, CO, 81301
- fax (970) 259-0488