Diver: Dana Mastrangelo of The Black Out Gurlz
Interesting Facts: Any pizza is a personal pizza if you focus and believe in yourself.

Dana battles boards, B.O. and bangs this week.

Dear Diver,
I recently was biking down the path along the skate park when a youngster attempting a trick accidentally shot his skateboard over the railing and nearly hit me. My question is this: if he had hit me, should I have sued the youngster’s parents or the city of Durango?
– Sincerely, Concerned Citizen

I’m not gonna want you to go running to The Man looking for help. This is between you, your new arch enemy, and the nearest skate park. Forget the law; tighten your Vans, pull your bangs back into your flat brim and unzip your CKY hoodie. It’s time to drop into the bowl and shred some gnar. Heel flip varial frontside 540? Ollie backside 360? Alley oop Liu-Kang flipside 540? You’re killin’ em all, bashing these vert ramps the way drunks slam bottles. Skate or die.
– Diver


Dear Diver,
My son is headed into high school this year. I am a little worried for his safety against bullies as he is a bit of a geek. Any tips on navigating the treacherous waters of DHS without sticking out too much or sinking to the bottom of the social ladder?
– School Marm

Mommy Dearest,
Before I delve into this topic, please observe the photo below. My yearbook photo at the sprightly age of 13, which wasn’t all that long ago. Hard to believe, right? I’ll admit, it’s hard to accept that my physical appearance clearly peaked in middle school, and I can’t believe I hadn’t gotten my first kiss yet. Why was I single? Who could resist that face? Look at the stylish jewelry and posh head band, the hair about to bust out of the frame of the photo, my mouth full of braces. Stunning, but I digress. Your concern is sweet, but I gotta advise you to back off and let your little guy do his thing. He’s likely oblivious to his nerdyness anyway, and ignorance is bliss. Just give him the freedom to let his freak flag fly.
– Diver


Dear Diver,
Why does it always seem that at any local concert, festival or other such large public gathering, there is always one stinky guy with deadly B.O. who has not showered in months? Then they strut around like it is some sort of cool badge of honor, as if they are such rad mountainman, they simply can’t be bothered with deodorant, soap or hot water. It’s repulsive not to mention a public health hazard.  How do we let them know while stinking it up by yourself on a deserted mountaintop is fine, when you come back down to civilization, a little hygiene is appreciated.
– Waiting to Exhale

Dear Mouth Breather,
Cosmopolitan magazine suggests while on a dinner date, it’s wise to take a few bites of your man’s burger so when he kisses you good night, his aroma isn’t unfamiliar or unpleasant. Similarly, you’re going to have to desensitize yourself to smelly individuals by making you yourself smelly. Get ambitious with your DIY craft skills by creating a personal perfume. An exotic blend of PBR, worn soccer cleats, and diced Cheetos is prime. Disgusting? Absolutely. But no one said this life was easy. Welcome to the big leagues, kid.
– Diver

In a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
- 1309 E. Third Ave., Room 3 Durango, CO, 81301
- fax (970) 259-0488
- telegraph@durangotelegraph.com


In this week's issue...

January 25, 2024
Bagging it

State plastic bag ban is in full effect, but enforcement varies

January 26, 2024
Paper chase

The Sneer is back – and no we’re not talking about Billy Idol’s comeback tour.

January 11, 2024
High and dry

New state climate report projects continued warming, declining streamflows