Lost and found

The saying goes, “not all who wander are lost” – a nice enough axiom, yet it implies that not knowing the way (being lost) is a bad thing. While it is certainly not a pleasant experience – our instinct for survival says as much – is being lost necessarily negative?

I am not a gypsy, but I admit that people who always know exactly what they are doing in life make me nervous. My anxiety partially stems from my own lack of a clear vision for my future, but I also fear for those people because very few things in life go according to plan.

I do not have a plan; but I have an idea. Soon I will be taking a sabbatical of indeterminate length from Durango. I am unsure what the next chapter will hold, but I am ready to turn the page. My boyfriend and I will be moving this fall.

We will pack up the truck and drive to somewhere new and maybe get a little lost.

Folks a generation older than me are joyful and assure me that “this is the time to do it.” Our peers seem more distressed and a little unbelieving – why would I leave Durango? To which I respond with the only valid reason I can find: because I was born here.

I feel unbelievably lucky to have been born in here – a major factor in my life, Durango made me the person I am. But I have a nagging suspicion that there is a great, big world out there beyond the La Plata and San Juan mountains; I cannot imagine this world being superior in any way, but it is different. I also feel unbelievably lucky that Durango is my home, a fact that does not alter with a change of address.

It has been far too long since I’ve been lost. I know the routes around town, even with construction; the mountains and the trails are as familiar to me as the people I run into in City Market. As I embark on my post, post-grad phase, I have been looking for the unfamiliar and yearning for a challenge. Though it seems sentimental, life changes always lend themselves to reflection and appreciation, and so I will take this opportunity to express my gratitude for a few wonderful years.

Three years ago, I wrote my first column for the Durango Telegraph. I introduced myself as a local girl working in the service industry and hoping to be a writer, someone who wanted to explore the road less traveled. I have waited tables, tended bar and been an adjunct writing teacher. I wrote and continue to write.

I have put myself forward through this column, and while everyone got to know me in print, here are a few things I learned about myself from writing for the Telegraph:

- I need a deadline. I once thought of myself as an especially motivated person who could manifest great things out of thin air; this is not the case. I am blessed with an abundance of ideas; however in order to turn them into reality, I need a deadline (be it a race day, a due date, or a self-imposed time limit). Some weeks the deadline crept quietly into my schedule, startling me into writing, while other times the idea struck first. Having a deadline made me write, which is always a positive for me.

- I am not a perfectionist. I do want perfection. I want to write a witty, insightful column every time. I would like every lesson plan to be something out of “Dead Poets Society.” This is not realistic. Reality has more to do with the fast approach of the aforementioned deadline. I have let go of perfection, and try to do my best every time, realizing even then that intent does not lead to this result. So I have learned from the flops and continue to write, write, write – the only way to get better.

- I cannot please everyone. I used to say this, but only in writing was I forced to deal with the truth of this statement because I aim to please. I dislike letting bosses, teachers, parents, friends, or my boyfriend down. When I first began writing for the Telegraph, I was an aspiring writer who had only ever been criticized by professors and peer editors. I was overly sensitive to any criticism I received. Along with perfection, the idea of being universally liked went quickly out the window and brought me a freedom to write for myself.

- I am grateful for what I have learned in my post-grad phase. I am grateful to Missy Votel for giving me a chance. I am grateful that I’ve been able to write this column for three years, that I’ve been able to develop as a writer. I am grateful that my little job writing opened the door for the chance to teach, which may lead to another unexpected opportunity.

Most of all, I am especially grateful for the many people over the years who have expressed an appreciation for my writing. Thank you.

– Maggie Casey