Dear Diver,
What is the etiquette of ordering meat on a supposedly “vegetarian” meal? Although I am mostly a vegetarian, I just so happen to enjoy the occasional bacon with my veggie burger. But when I order that at a restaurant, the server acts like I just committed some sort of restaurant faux pas. One even advised me that putting bacon on an otherwise all-veggie sandwich would be “inappropriate” or maybe “offensive.” But I think it would be delicious. What’s so wrong with that?
–  Baconitarian

Dear Baco Bit,
Being a vegetarian is like walking on a tight rope. You must keep your eyes forward at all times, falter only slightly and you are sure to fail. Unless of course you are a natural at it, in which case it’s not exactly a tight rope but more of a plank. If you’re committed to not eating meat, then you shouldn’t “cheat” on a little indulgence such as bacon. That being said, you don’t have to conform to society’s scope on what being a vegetarian really is. You are your own grandpa/grandma. Do what makes you the happiest, and if you really need bacon on your burger but don’t want to deal with snooty waiters and waitresses, then carry some (cooked) around in a baggy. This way you are not judged by anyone, unless of course this bag o’ bacon falls out of your purse or back pocket.

p.s. It is not acceptable to call yourself a vegetarian if you still splurge on even one type of meat, you’re lying to everyone else but most importantly you’re lying to yourself!
– Diver

Dear Diver,
So, I made the big mistake of teaching this buddy of mine to climb. Now, all of a sudden, he’s some kind of expert, telling me – the one who taught him and has been doing it my whole life – how things work. It drives me crazy. It’s like he thinks he’s king of the mountain, but I can’t help but want to knock him down. Please help before I lose my grip.
–  Cam

Dear Crack King,
Don’t be such a whiner, your “friend” (I wonder if he calls you the same), obviously is a better climber than yourself. If he’s upsetting you that badly, don’t go with him anymore, or maybe use your words and be a man about it. The only way to trump him is by becoming better and demonstrating this value to him. The only way to become better is to practice and exercise. It’s never a mistake showing someone a skill that they themselves thrive at, you are being selfish and envious.
– Diver

Dear Diver,
I secretly love, love, love Katy Perry. The only problem is, I’m a grown adult with a “real” job. Well, naturally, I was elated to find out that she is playing in Denver at the end of next month. This is a chance of a lifetime, and I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Only problem is, it’s on a work night, which means I’ll have to take a few days off work. How can I go without blowing my cover that I am going to see the “teen-age dream?” I would be the laughing stock of the office; maybe even the whole town.
– Super Fan

Dear I Heart Katy,
So this goes without saying, Katy Perry is a gorgeous woman. If you love Katy Perry than own it, and tell all the haters to stick it where the sun don’t shine. I’m assuming you are a male otherwise this would not be a dilemma. If you can’t do the direct approach in fear of embarrassment, then go indirectly. Go to some other venue while you’re in Denver such as a Rockies game, or Elitch Gardens (you’re never too old to do that). This way you have visual proof, other than your 120 second snapchat story of the concert, such as a ticket stub to show your cohorts to prove that you didn’t drive 600 miles only to see your “teenage dream.” Deception is a powerful tool.
– Diver

In a sticky situation?