 Dan gives thumbs up to clowns. |
Diver: Dan Groth
Interesting fact: Dan is a master of fun and games
Dear Diver,
I am a student at the Fort majoring in English, but lately there have been a few things that don't seem to make sense. For example, whenever there's a "dis" or "un" before a word it means the opposite of the root word (dislike, unusual.) If so, does being "combobulated" mean you have your shit together? And does being "gruntled" mean that you are content?" And what about being chalant? Is that possible?
– Dismayed
Dear dismayed,
I'm going to be rather "chalant" in my response and state quite emphatically that you need to quit your erudite jibber-jabber and get to work on training for practical trades. For instance, one can always find work as an edible-goods assembler ... or perhaps you could engage in the erection of wooden edifices. One can always fall back on the underappreciated trade of wiper-of-items. Indeed, an English major will bring you none of these things.
– Sincerely, The Diver
Dear Diver,
The other day, I was riding my bike on the trail and a guy came screaming downhill. Now typically, the uphill person (me) has the right of way, but he barreled past me and apologized, saying he couldn't stop because "he was doing it for Strada." What in the world does that mean? Eric Estrada? I didn't even know he was sick. I did love him in Chips, though. How can I help?
– Stradagizing
Dear stradagazing,
A mere Google search could probably inform me as per this bro-dude reference, but instead I'll engage in a fantastical invention of grand proportions. Wherein Strada is a beastly phantasm residing within the soul of the piñon pines, savagely destroying cocky bikers unless they invoke it's name. Do not ever mention Erik Estrada around the Strada for this ghoul has deep hatred for the television show CHiPs.
A mere Google search could probably inform me as per this bro-dude reference, but instead I'll engage in a fantastical invention of grand proportions. Wherein Strada is a beastly phantasm residing within the soul of the piñon pines, savagely destroying cocky bikers unless they invoke it's name. Do not ever mention Erik Estrada around the Strada for this ghoul has deep hatred for the television show CHiPs.
– Sincerely, The Diver
Dear Diver,
When is it OK to put the tube away for the winter? My roommate refuses to put his away, insisting that he still might wanna take it out some day "when the river gets high again." I think he's high. Plus, his tube takes up all the space in the back yard the the conrhole game. When is it officially Ok for Durangoans to deflate the tube and retire it to the attic for another year?
– Tubed Out
Dear tube-duder,
Dude, put away the tube ... please. I bet you're pretty "stoked" to be exploiting our fine navigable waterway, but I believe it is high time that you engage in the fine act of splash-gymnastic exploits, disregarding the rubber stupidness, and flap the ol' arms and legs in an utterly ridiculous fashion while moaning loudly like a walrus. This is the finest river "recreation" to be found and ye shall heartily engage in it, dear sir.
– Sincerely, Diver
In a sticky situation?
Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
- 1309 E. Third Ave., Room 3 Durango, CO, 81301
- fax (970) 259-0488
- telegraph@durangotelegraph.com
- 1309 E. Third Ave., Room 3 Durango, CO, 81301
- fax (970) 259-0488
- telegraph@durangotelegraph.com
In this week's issue...
- January 25, 2024
- Bagging it
State plastic bag ban is in full effect, but enforcement varies
- January 26, 2024
- Paper chase
The Sneer is back – and no we’re not talking about Billy Idol’s comeback tour.
- January 11, 2024
- High and dry
New state climate report projects continued warming, declining streamflows