Diver: Bryant Liggett

Interesting fact: Matchbook collector since 1978

Dear Diver,

Why do they put the little orange plastic bag on the newspaper when they deliver it to your house in the morning? Is it supposed to keep it dry? Because guess what? When it rains, my paper is still a soggy mess. And then I have these annoying plastic bags piling up to boot. So why bother?

–  Wrung Out

Dear Wrung,

First I would like to thank you for your support of American newspapers. Well, we’ve all got to complain about something. You’re complaining about a wet newspaper, surely a result of the series of recent rainstorms we’ve had, could be viewed as a “First World problem.” But is it really? When I was an exchange student in the late 1980s in Vietnam, I often would get to my daily edition of the Vientiane Mai after the morning drizzle, rendering the paper unreadable. Now I wasn’t that concerned with the farm reports, but the comics would always be ruined, and I’d have no idea what happened with Billy, Dolly and the rest of the Keane family. Don’t get me started on my mood when I miss out on “Gasoline Alley.” However, I take you as a “Kathy” fan, the worst comic in the history of print. So perhaps this is a godsend; you’ll thank me later.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

So, when I'm eating a bag of chips or some other sort of snack food, there's a tiny packet inside that says "do not eat." I'm confused. Sometimes I see this kind of stuff in inedible goods, but why would they put it in a bag of Cheetos that some stoner is going to inevitably ingest? And what does happen when someone eats the packet? My friends dared me to eat one, and there's $100 riding on it, so I want to make sure I won't die.

– Hungry Hugh

HH,

I reached out to my friend at the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, and as of this writing he has not called me back. No email response, no returned phone call, nothing. It’s as if he suddenly just stopped working. So since I don’t have your answer, I’ll address some of my own concerns. Why do people always say they are going to quit smoking and don’t? Why doesn’t the Durango Police Department issue more tickets for people who run stop signs on bikes? Why are people so arrogant? Why is Fred Phelps such an A-Hole? How many records is Bob Pollard going to release in 2014? These my friend, are the mysteries of my world ... and they are as mysterious as the poison that is in those little bags, poison every Phish-head would kick down $10 for kicks galore.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

Sometimes, when I run into people I get the distinct feeling that they don't like me, but then my rational side says I'm just being paranoid. And my heart tells me, "who cares?' But is there a way to really know when someone doesn't like you? Just might come in handy to know when to steer clear and/or cross the street.

– Sybil

Dear Sybil,

The sure fire way to know when someone doesn’t like you is when that person constantly punches you in the stomach. Now if you’ll excuse, I’ve got to go exercise my right to give someone a fist to the gut.

– Diver