Diver: This PBR Can
Interesting fact: This PBR Can’s favorite movie is Blue Velvet
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| This week’s diver has nice cans. |
Dear Diver,
I am new to town and looking for work. I saw the City had an opening for a downtown parking attendant. Seems like a good way to get some exercise, get to learn the lay of the land and maybe meet some folks. Also, it would provide steady pay and benefits, something I’ve never had before in my life. However, when I tell people my plans to apply, they give me a strange, concerned look, like they know something I don’t, and just say, “that’s nice” or something vague. What gives?
– Newbie
Dear Noob,
You are right to suspect that something is up. I have been to every town in every state in this great country and one common thread runs through every person that I’ve come in contact with: PEOPLE HATE PARKING TICKETS AND THE SOULLESS GOVERNMENT AGENTS THAT ISSUE THEM! Do you want to be that guy or girl? I understand the need to have a steady job so you can pay your rent and buy me off the shelf at the liquor store, but you don’t want to issue parking tickets for a living. You should at least try to be a cop with that mentality. At least cops get to carry guns when they are being jerks.
– Pabst
Dear Diver,
Is it OK for men to carry a bag? I know there used to be a tabboo (i.e. the Seinfeld episode about the “man purse”) but I seem to be seeing more and more these days. Is it now safe for us men to get our bags out of the closet, so to speak. Sure would make life easier, especially being on my bike all the time.
– Bag Man
Dear Sack,
This takes me back to the 1990s when we all used to get together once a week to watch the new episode of “Sienfeld.” It was a simpler time then but you know what? It wasn’t OK for a man to carry a purse then and it still isn’t! There are four kinds of bags that are OK for a man to carry in public: a backpack, a duffel bag, a bag for “recreational purposes”, and a plastic grocery bag (take that, City Council!) Since you’re on your bike all the time, pedal over to The Boarding Haus and buy a freaking backpack from John, and while you’re there, hand over your man card.
– Blue.
Dear Diver,
A friend of mine has a theory about that a person’s driving ability directly correlates to the type of car they drive. He insists that people driving red Priuses are the worst, and if you see one with N.M. license plates, run for your life! Is this true? Because I saw a huge black pickup truck with Idaho plates that scared the crap out of me yesterday. Can you really judge a driver by his/her car?
– On the Skids
Dear Skidmark,
If you’re running from a Prius then you obviously drive a Smart Car. I have a theory on driving too: stay the hell out of my way! Seriously. I am transported across this great nation of ours in trailers attached to very large trucks that can flatten a Smart Car like a skunk under a Prius, and I wouldn’t want to see that happen to you. You can’t judge the driver by the car, but you can judge the car by the question.
– Ribbon!
In a sticky situation?
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In this week's issue...
- January 25, 2024
- Bagging it
State plastic bag ban is in full effect, but enforcement varies
- January 26, 2024
- Paper chase
The Sneer is back – and no we’re not talking about Billy Idol’s comeback tour.
- January 11, 2024
- High and dry
New state climate report projects continued warming, declining streamflows