Diver: J. Scott Petersen and Matthew Kolp of the Hydration Station
Interesting fact: While Scott claims to have been raised in Atlantis, Matthew skied the Valley Blanc in ‘91.

J. & Scott, from the Hydration Station, are all wet.
Dear Diver,

My wife is habitually late. Not super late, just a few minutes, 15-20 at tops. It’s not that big of a deal, and I know being late in Durango is customary. But I find it rude and a bit disrespectful, disruptive not to mention embarrassing. I am afraid it is going to rub off on the kids. Is being late hereditary? Is there some sort of habitually tardy rehab she can go to before it’s too late?

– Husband in Waiting

Dear Married to Tardy,
Any rehab center is going to provide a culture of discipline, and tardiness will not be tolerated.  What other pathologies does she exhibit? Perhaps we can kill two birds with one stone. As for the little ones, tell them the tale of the Langoliers eating the world of yesterday and the flesh of anyone time leaves behind.

– Divers


Dear Diver,
So I met this guy the other week through a friend, and he seemed nice enough, but now I seem to be running into him wherever I go. The street, post office, bike path, bar, etc. I started to get suspicious when I went to the hot spring with a girlfriend and there he was, right next to us in the hot pool. Small town coincidence or am I being stalked?

– Suspicious Mind

Dear Creeped,
After all the sob stories I have sat through - lovely women spending a night barhopping in Durango, dealing with a shortage of manly men, and going home alone - I should say you are quite lucky. Date this potential stalker and keep him from following the scent of other women.  To be certain, at the first sign of any violence or other douchebaggery, deck the a**hole and GTFO.

– Divers


Dear Diver,
What if the Titanic never sank?

– Deep Thinker

Dear Thinker,
Funny you asked. In recent years, scientists have been indirectly closing in on an understanding of the multiverse. We Durango divers are way ahead the curve in this field thanks to a vortex opened in the days of Uranium mining. There is in fact a groovy, alternate universe in which the Titanic did not sink but accidentally ran aground in Jamaica. This led to a strong interracial union in the early 20th century, accelerating the equal rights movement and hastening the end of what came to be known as The Final War in 1916. The increased attitude of cooperation spread like wildfire. Tesla, Edison and J. P. Morgan played nice allowing for the implementation of Tesla’s wireless power distribution system, which actually breaks down the cholesterol in arteries and converts simple sugars into various micronutrients allowing for a very undisciplined diet and longevity to go hand in hand. John Jacob Astor’s granddaughter perfected helium 3 nuclear reactors bringing clean, inexpensive power to the world. And Marcus Garvey’s grandson oversaw the construction of a maglev underwater railway between South America and Africa.

– Divers


In a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
- 1309 E. Third Ave., Room 3 Durango, CO, 81301
- fax (970) 259-0488
- telegraph@durangotelegraph.com