Diver: Sam Waters, DHL
Interesting facts: Is currently shark-diving in Mauritius.

Dear Diver,
Sometimes, I get the feeling that my boss likes animals more than people. She is often short and abrupt with people, bordering on rude, but all kissy-face with any dog that comes into our business. She is always sending me weird emails of little baby animals doing cute or funny things on camera (you know the ones) but never an “atta boy” or “good job.” What gives? Should I start showing up to work in a dog suit?
– Pet Peeve
Your Pet Name Here,
A dog suit most likely isn’t a bad idea. As cynical as it may seem, I can relate to your boss’ disposition. Mark Twain once said “the more I learn about people, the more I like my dog,” and I’ve found this perspective to be undeniably valid to my own experience.  So try and empathize. And don’t be afraid to get down on all fours and beg like one of man’s (or in this case, woman’s) best friends, too.
–Diver

 

 

Driver,
From what I can surmise the traffic light at 22nd and Main Ave. is one of the few in this town that isn’t a “Smart Light,” and I must say I find it questionable you should express distaste for it. Now, let’s talk about that most Machiavellian of monikers, “Smart Light,” because there’s nothing smart about them.  They quite often stop a whole gang of traffic, with rather short notice, to let in but one car which has barely come to a halt. In contrast, I frequently find myself waiting to enter the main thoroughfare along with a decent queue for what seems like oceans of time. So, your disdain for this stop is, in my opinion, severely misplaced. But I offer you this hypothetical solution for the citywide remediation of horribly conceived intersections and traffic signals: the minions of Mephistopheles who call themselves road and city planners should have to circumvent the lights or signs they’ve implemented in these badly managed intersections (especially the most disjointed union that is Florida Rd., East 3rd Ave., and 15th St.) and direct traffic on at least a monthly basis. They should do this whilst donning devil’s horns and hooves as well a pentagram branded on their bare chests.
– Diver

 

 

Mr. or Mrs. Greengrass,
I’m confused. I thought bluegrass enthusiasts are noodle-neckers. They like to sway about, enchanted by that high lonesome sound in a manner similar to that of a charmed snake, and this is what I envision when you refer to someone with a neck like a noodle.  But either way, I think I can relate. Although I do enjoy me some authentic bluegrass, I find the whole jammed-out “newgrass” sub-genre to be completely unbearable, and it seems to be what the Colorado bluegrass hound most craves. Having said that, I wish I could muster the wherewithal to promote a duplicitous newgrass-only concert in some Colorado mountain town (Telluride perhaps), headlining SCI & YMSB say, that would just have to draw every newgrass nerd statewide, and then somehow engineer a massive sinkhole swallowing the whole event. But I digress.
– Diver