Diver: Diver: the Wildcat

Interesting facts: Sharks never sleep, because if they do, they have night terrors, and night terrors make them anxious. Also they’ll die.

 

 

Dear Hoarders: “Dude Where’s My Car Edition,”
I don’t know what swag is, much less swag weed. Or anything you’re talking about, actually. But I do know this: science experiments are tons of fun. Start hiding these things in your children’s lunchables. In a get-well-soon casserole for your neighbor. Roll a fatty swag cheese blunt and give it to your dog. Spice up your garden for the jerk deer that think it’s cool to eat your plants. Then, put on a lab coat and start writing stuff down on a clipboard. Remember, anything is science if it involves lab coats and clipboards. You can publish the results on your “Beautiful Mind” crazy wall hidden in your shed out back, and be proud to be a contributing member to the scientific community. Also you might end up in jail, next to the crystal methematicians.  
– Do it for science, the Diver

 

 

Whoa There Friend,
Everyone knows Jimmy Hendrix invented wearing bandanas around your head. He also invented E#. But you probably didn’t know that. King Solomon said it best when he penned the words, “There is nothing new under the sun.” His American was impeccable, apparently. If you really want to get chicks and be the next big thing, you have to bring something back that’s even more ironic than whatever thing that used to be popular is popular now. What I’m saying is: wear scrunchies. You’ll be one of a kind, unique, trend-setting, AND still keep the hair out of your eyes. You’ll be drinking the tears of your weeping chick-less coworker in no time!
– I only listen to cassettes, the Diver

Dear Diver,
Does Durango have a higher than average population of people who are incapable of functioning in regular, modern society, or is it just me?
– Misty

 

Dear 99 Problems,
People, unfortunately, are not going away any time soon. You just have to learn to tune them out. Here are some tips I’ve learned on how to maintain a bubble of obliviousness. Get a giant truck and race it up and down main street, seeing how fast you can get from one red light to the next. Bonus points for almost mowing down pedestrians in the crosswalks. Wander through residential neighborhoods at 2 a.m., yelling as loud as you can for no reason. Make sure to shout the F-word, America, I’m drunk, and any combination of these things .. .get creative! Walk side by side with all your friends and take up the entire sidewalk, so people have to step off the curb to get around you. Make sure to walk slowly and talk loudly about how drunk/stoned you were last night, I’m sure it was quite an accomplishment. Reserve all your phone calls for City Market. Make sure to block the aisle with your cart and carry on with your conversation like you’re the only person in the store. And finally, text whenever you want. Especially while driving down pedestrian and bicycle-filled streets. Third Avenue is a GREAT time to check your Facebook. If you make it all about you and your convenience, you won’t even notice the incapable idiots who can’t function in regular society.
– EFF YEAH EFFIN’ AMERICA!!! the Diver