Diver: Rufus, the golden doodle
Interesting facts: Rufus possesses a sage-like wisdom well beyond his fluffy ears. He currently serves as guardian of the good vibes up in the Aspen Trails neighborhood.

Dear Diver,
Some people drive me crazy with their email abuse. You know the type, they’ll inundate your in box with a barrage of one or two-word emails all day and then expect an immediate response. I can hardly keep up, and when I don’t get right back to them, they get all pissy. Sorry if I do not have the luxury of sitting by my computer waiting for the “you’ve got mail” ding. How do I cope with these types. Should I start incorporating official “email hours?”
– Going Postal
Dear Postaholic-
The vexations of social networking and communications in the early 21st century are many, and I feel your pain. Though seemingly juvenile, the diver recommends that you let these individuals know that you think of them as pissants. Anyone having spent any time in the deserts of Utah will attest that the rebarbative red ant, aka pissant, is certainly one of nature’s most irritating creations. Voracious explorers, these repugnant critters will speed up the length of one’s leg in seconds, leaving a stinging trail of acidic urine to mark their path. The experience of being hoodwinked by even a single pissant is enough to drive a strong man into a frenzy, and if your email tormentors understand this, I would expect that the troublesome behavior will end. Should it continue, take them camping this spring and introduce a few of the little red devils into their sleeping bag.
– Diver

Dear Diver,
Have the Olson twins (you know, of “Full House” fame - don’t act like you don’t) had reconstructive surgery? My husband swears yes, but I say no, they’ve always been funny looking. And while we’re on the topic, what the heck happened to Helen Hunt’s face?
– Just Say No
Dear No Means Yes,
Hmm can’t say that I have noticed. Reconstructive surgery? Like maybe replacing teeth that have been suspiciously missing from photos since 1999? The Diver understands that “Olson Twin” brand veneers is set to launch in the spring of 2013. Their big reveal will be on this season of “The Swan,” where they clutch their face in disbelief searching the cold glass of the mirror for something recognizable. Helen is still mad about you.
– Diver

 

Dear Diver,
I just got a new neighbor from the South who bought the house as a “second home.” Needless to say, someone forgot to clue them in that it actually snows here on occasion. Seeing as how they’re never here, I have been kindly doing the favor of shoveling their walk all winter to prevent it from turning into an icy death trap, but it’s getting a little old. What sort of ideas do you have for a gentle “howdy partner” reminder that shoveling one’s walk is not only polite but city law.
– Pained in the Back
Dear Pain in the Backside,
From your question, I surmise that you are of retirement age. How did I arrive at this conclusion, you ask? Well, no one else would have the time to notice the condition of their neighbor’s sidewalk, nor the gumption to do anything about it. While your care-taking of their mess is admirable, it has obviously taxed you mentally and physically. My suggestion is to leverage your senior status and the chronic pain that you now find yourself in to elicit a medical marijuana card. Bring this to one of the 30 or so dispensaries in Durango, and ask for help. For your condition, the diver recommends rolling up a joint roughly the size of your index finger. Don’t worry about the nonsense you may have heard indicating that the medicine is stronger today than in years past; this is the same grass you puffed at Woodstock. Sit back, take a deep breath, and forget about your D-bag neighbors from the South. Then take another and forget about sidewalks all together. Then take a third, exhale and relax, for spring is near.
– Diver