Diver: The Wildcat
Interesting facts: The Wildcat eats interesting facts for brunch

 

 

Dear Big Gulp,
Asking Coke and Pepsi to get along is like asking two cats to get along inside of a shark. Or better yet, it’s like a ... wait for it ... a government metaphor! You see, Coke allegedly dissolves nails and cleans blood. And Pepsi is the worst soft drink ever. Why would you want either in your body? Why are you asking for the two main soft drinks to share a syrupy throne built on lies? Don’t you know there are smaller, more well-intentioned companies making sodas of an exponentially higher caliber? Even in your own home town? And yet, there you sag, sucking on the high fructose propaganda bendy-straw the media has put in your mouth. Just another part of the system, asking for more of the same garbage and turning a blind eye to the world of delicious pure cane sugar. Get off your lazyboy and let’s start a soda revolution!
– I think the cashier kept my change, The Diver

Dear Diver,
Please help settle an ongoing debate between my husband and I. He swears that Kim Kardashian and has had some sort of butt “augmentation.” But I don’t think any such thing exists, and that she’s just some sort of gluteus mutant. Besides, who would purposely want to make their hind end bigger?
– Ass Backwards

 

Dear Assward,
It baffles me how someone could be so famous for doing nothing. I used to think this was the most ridiculous thing there was. That is, until I read your question, and realized that there are married couples that spend quality time analyzing useless celebrity asses. The thought of it makes me want to crawl into a shark full of angry cats and chug a Pepsi.
– The End is near, the Diver

Dear Diver,
I’m thinking of taking up pot now that it’s legal. Only problem, I’m sort of a super novice. What does the Diver recommend for achieving that perfect “Rocky Mountain High” without suffering the dreaded “peak paranoia?”

Dear Green Eggs and Hash,
I suggest you spend the weekend researching and absorbing some real-life data. That’s right ... get some Pop Tarts, a plastic barrel of cheese balls, and a Netflix subscription. Watch educational classics such as “Dude Where’s my Car,” “Half Baked,” “Dazed and Confused,” anything with Cheech and/or Chong, and a variety of true-to-life accounts such as these. Then watch them again, pausing and rewinding to practice your best quotes. Take all the best one-liners to the dispensary next time you go shopping and use them repeatedly. Everyone will LOVE your anecdotes about losing your car. You’ll fit right in, and get mad respect. Trust me.

– I only know what I see on TV, The Diver