Diver: Mandy Pants (aka Amanda Kiessel)
Interesting facts: Si multum tibi otii interpretari.
Dear Diver,
How do I know when I’ve hit rock bottom?
– The Eat Me Beat Me Lady

Dear Eat Me Beat Me Lady,
When you get hit by rocks. Now, to the more important topic, what on earth does your pen name mean? Oh my god, that is just so weird. Sorry. Sorry... It’s just, well, that’s an incredibly weird way to sign off an advice column. I mean, really, I’m imagining you’re all kinds of crazy with a pen name like that. But on the up side, I guess that’s a really good sign you’ll be feeling those rocks any minute now. But take heart, Crazy Lady, you can hit those rocks and use the firm surface to rebound like never before.
– Love you back, Mrs. Pants

Dear Diver,
I recently started dating a man, and things were going really well until I discovered that he wears tightie whities. Needless to say, it’s been a complete turn off. I know a lot of old 70s trends are coming back, like mustaches and tight western wear. But I just can’t seem to get cozy with this one. Am I being shallow?
– In Need of De-briefing

Dear In Need of Debriefing,
Ah, a modern question with timeless appeal: “Why does my man wear that unflattering loincloth/codpiece/polyester man-wrap?” Happily for you, this is an issue you should take into your own hands. What makes most Durango men so great is that, when it comes to things like manscaping, accessories and Metrosexual tendencies, they usually just don’t CARE. While this can be a liability when your proclivities for underthings diverge from what your guy actually wears, happily, I think you’ll find he’ll be amenable to your suggestions. Why would I imagine he’ll be cool with you buying him new drawers? Because it tells him exactly what you’ve been thinking about (him in his skivvies)... and if he’ll know that if he puts on the kind you like, he probably won’t have to wear them very long anyway.
– Happy shopping, Pants

Dear Diver,
I work in a busy retail store and my coworker has a boyfriend that is always stopping by, hanging out and just being a general nuisance. When he’s not lounging on the furniture, they’re groping each other in front of me and customers. I think it’s totally disrespectful and rude, but she just laughs it off saying “they are in love.” I’m about to lose my mind – please help, I really need this job.
– Creeped Out

Dear Creeped Out,
All joking aside, I know how you feel. Living the Durango Dream means that I, like you, have enjoyed having multiple jobs at any given time. With all that working can come all those co-workers, with their attendant joys and heartaches. I think you have two options: Address the situation like an adult, with a closed meeting between you, her and the boss or you can go stealth mode. The latter will be more effective, but you might be asking for trouble (I don’t know if she’s the type to key your car, but be forewarned.) First, try to figure out what her weaknesses are. Does she hate the smell of fish? Fine. You will be eating tuna salad sandwiches for the next nine months. Right next to her. At, like 9 in the morning. Do the adult thing first, and if she’s still “in love” in front of the custies and all over the couches, go into battle mode and prep your tuna. Odds are your other coworkers will thank you.
– Soldier on,
Field Marshal Manders

In a sticky situation?

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