Diver: Dan Groth, from Raider Ridge
Interesting Facts: Dan is a visitor from the future

Dear Diver,
Who’s hotter, Michelle Obama or Laura Bush? I saw Michelle in person when she was in town last week, and I say she wins hands down. But my guy friends say Laura is much hotter and that Michelle, while striking, is “a woman’s woman,” whatever that means. Please help settle this very important first lady debate.
– Lady in Waiting

Dear Lady in Waiting,
While I believe Laura Bush to have a certain calm beauty protruding from her soul, and it is clear that Michelle Obama is one of the most utterly ravishing beauties to ever inhabit the White House, I decline to pass final judgment between the two. Instead I will affirm, as I have stated on countless occasions, that the cream of the First Lady crop was the comely young bride of Grover Cleveland, Frances Cleveland. Married at 21 to a 27 years older Grover, Frances Cleveland was the absolute pinnacle of beauty! Oh, I often go to bed with her on my mind ... how it must have been to gaze upon her fine features! Oh heavens, let her memory exude every ounce of my being as I set forth on my daily charge! Let her glory bathe each and every one of us!
– The Diver

Dear Diver,
How come sometimes late at night, when I’m coming home from work, I hear the train whistle blow? Seems a little strange that the train would be coming back from a run at 10 o’clock at night. Or is there some covert train mission going on that we don’t know about? Does the train lead a double life?
– Off the Rails

 

Dear Off-the-Rails,
Your anxieties regarding the late-train are for naught, for the train fully publicizes these evening train rides, which are usually attached to a particular theme. For example, I seem to recall there was a “Blues Train” at one point, where passengers got to listen to live blues music as they sipped in the lovely montane evening. I actually went on one of these evening rides one time. It was called the “Condor Train,” in which actors dressed up like condors and re-enacted funny scenes from classic sitcoms, while a near-unanimity of the passengers wept profusely. Oh wait a minute, I guess that was just a weird dream I had awhile back.
– The Diver

 

 

Dear Hairy,
It is a fact that a big rug of back hair can inspire self-loathing, and maybe a desire for a “fix.” However, it does not have to be that way. I recently had the opportunity to interview a gorilla, and the topic of body hair was brought up. The gorilla made a rather pertinent remark that I’d like to quote directly: “Amongst the Boogak (for that was what we gorillas refer to ourselves as), we take our body hair seriously. If it were not for my silvery back hair, I would be treated with far less prestige amongst my troop.” So you see, back hair can be elevated to a status symbol, rather than an object of scorn. Take pride, good sir!
– The Diver
 

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
- 1309 E. Third Ave., Room 25 Durango, CO, 81301
- fax (970) 259-0488
- telegraph@durangotelegraph.com