Diver: Hunter Knox, Maria’s Bookshop
Interesting Facts: It’s Banned Books Week. Go read something dirty and giggle to yourself

 

Dear Citizen Concerned about Boring Things like “Jobs” and “Housing,”
I took a civics course in high school, so I’m a bit of a political expert. I know all the jargon. Words like “incumbent” and “tariff.” Words like “vote.” So you can trust me when I say it’s for your own good. Elected officials do what’s best for you and everybody else whether you like it or not. They have something called “foresight.” You’ll understand it when you’re older. For example, with the economy (jargon!) like it is, you’ll be smoking that next cig down to the filter to get your money’s worth, and you’ll probably burn your fingers and yell something loud and profane. Now imagine you’re in a park and a small child sees that and thinks, “Cigarettes burn your fingers?! WTF?! I’ll NEVER smoke.” Boom—no more tobacco industry. There goes your precious “economy.”
– Eat your vegetables, Diver

Dear Diver,
We have a communal kitchen at our office building where everyone keeps their lunch, etc., and everyone operates on the honor system. Lately, someone has been stealing food. I can see if you’re starving to death and need to borrow some condiments, a tortilla or a scoop of peanut butter. But the whole jar or people’s entire lunches? That’s the lowest of lows. What does the diver suggest to stop the pillaging?
– Hungry Mob

Dear Missing the Bigger Issue,
The “whole jar” of what?! If you meant peanut butter, then well yeah, I can see how you would be irritated. Eating a whole jar of someone’s peanut butter is a pretty crummy thing to do. If that’s the case, leave a snarky note or poison the next jar. But you also mentioned “condiments.” Did someone eat a whole jar of condiments? Was it mayonnaise? Listen to me. If someone ate your jar of mayonnaise you should be way more than just angry. You should be scared for your life. Think about the physical control and psychological wherewithal it would take to stomach a gloppy jar of mayo. A person who could do that would have no problem cutting you up into pieces and hiding you in their bedroom wall.
– Be Safe, Diver

Dear Diver,
The other day, I ran into a friend and the whole time, she had her fly down. I was going to say something but figured, it’s Durango, and half the town walks around like that. Still, I feel a little guilty. Is there a tactful way of mentioning these things or does anyone even care?
– Unzipped

Dear Do What Must Be Done,
I think you did well not to say anything. Telling someone her/his fly is down is just embarrassing for everyone. However, leaving them to walk around all exposed is no way to handle it either. Someone down the road, with less tact than yourself, probably just pointed it out and embarrassed your friend anyway. That’s why you should casually reach down and zip it up for them. No words need be exchanged. Just reach over and zip it up, maybe adding a knowing smile or half-wink. This tactic seems to work most of the time for me, and the percentage of zips ending in arrest is surprisingly low.
– Zip it, Zip it Good, Diver
 

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
- 1309 E. Third Ave., Room 25 Durango, CO, 81301
- fax (970) 259-0488
- telegraph@durangotelegraph.com