Diver: The Wildcat
Interesting facts: The Wildcat’s beard may or may have been used as a kitten sanctuary at one or all points in time.

Dear Diver,
I drive a van. It’s not fancy, and it’s not “retro,” but it does the job. What I don’t get is why people are going around driving these “minivans” and claiming that they’re actually vans? I know some guys who are in a rock band, and they pack all their gear into a minivan; but if they had a REAL van then they’d be able to pack a REAL wallop. Instead, their band SUCKS because they drive a minivan. My question to you is: why would anyone go to see a band that sucks?
– Sincerely, Gary
Gary,
I understand your concern about sucky bands in sucky vans. I understand, but I don’t really care. What I care about is the gross misuse of the prefix “mini.” When I see “mini” in front of something, I expect it to be miniature. That’s what “mini” means. Minivans are normal size. They are bigger than my car. Calling them a “mini” van is horribly misleading. It’s like using the word “epic” to describe a sandwich. “Yo bro, that ham and cheese sandwich was so epic!” You know what’s epic? The ocean, and space. Not sandwiches, no matter how hammy or cheesy. Also, you shouldn’t boast about driving a van. It puts you in the same company as the Wet Bandits and the animal killers in the Blood Red Van.
– Keep an eye on that guy, the Diver

Dear Diver,
Once again, I have signed up for the Iron Horse and am woefully unprepared. I considered just dropping out but don’t want to lose my $125 registration money. Plus, my friends who are all doing the race will heckle me What tips does the Diver have for enduring the sufferfest on which I am about to embark?
– Looking for My Happy Place
Oh dear…
I’m going to answer this question by asking another question. I have several to pick from, like, “Where did you go wrong with your life?” Or, “Why are you such a wuss-bag?” But I’ll settle with this… “does it really matter?” You are going to shame yourself one way or the other. The only thing you can do is take this shame and use it for next year. Use it for motivation. Every time you don’t feel like putting those wheels on the asphalt, remind yourself of how embarrassing it feels to reserve a coveted spot in the Iron Horse and completely waste it because you were too busy looking for your “nappy” place.
– Somebody had to say it, The Diver
 

Dear Diver,
My third-grade son has an obsession with Pokemon. I thought Pokemon went out in the early ’90s. What is the attraction? And should I be worried that it could be a gateway to other, harder stuff, like Duran Duran or even worse, the other DD – Dungeons and Dragons?
– Poke”mom”
Mom…
I’m not in third grade anymore. I’m a grown man, and I can do what I want. I can grow beards, eat peanut butter from the jar, and spend all my spare time watching a cartoon and playing a card game centered around a main character who kidnaps innocent creatures to make them fight against each other. There is absolutely nothing abnormal about that. Ask Michael Vick. That guy has more recovery points than Kadabra, and more attack points than Charizard and Mewtwo combined!
– I told you not to write me at this address Mom, the Diver
 

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
- 1309 E. Third Ave., Room 25 Durango, CO, 81301
- fax (970) 259-0488
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