Diver: The Wildcat
Interesting Facts: If mornings had faces, the Wildcat would punch them all and regret nothing.

 

Dear Diver,
How come no local bars have jukeboxes that play decent music or pinball machines? It’s very sad. All the bars in town play the same music my 8-year-old daughter listens to. I want to hear American rock, not bubblegum pop. And about the pinball - even Farmington and Albuquerque have pinball in their bars, so why don’t we? Please explain.
– Bar Fly

Dear Marty McBarFly,
I know you don’t want to hear this, but you need to let go of 1985. Pack up your denim jackets and your stonewashed jeans, and let it go. People don’t go to bars and play pinball anymore.They download apps and pay more attention to their phones than the people who are with them. Music stars don’t go around writing 8-minute songs with 7-minute guitar solos. They dip themselves in glitter, spell their names with dollar signs, and drop beats that make your body go boom. 88 miles an hour isn’t going to take you back to the time in your life when you didn’t feel extinct, so you might as well give up, give in and wait for the bass to drop.
Where you’re going, you won’t need roads (just Fixodent),
– The Diver

 

Dear Diver,
I have a couple weddings to go to this summer out of town. Instead of the obligatory and boring gravy boat or set of wine glasses, or the impersonal gift of money, I would like to give them something unique from Durango. Wondering what the Diver’s ideas are for something cool from Durango that will impress - but not too spendy, I’ve got three weddings to attend.
– Wedding Crasher
Dear Crash,
You are putting entirely too much effort into this. The wedding couples aren’t looking for unique...they’re looking to get the crap they registered for at some crap store that carries that trendy crap that’s not worth a crap that they honestly think they’ll use (“Look at this bright orange mixer from Sweden with a built in iPod dock! We NEED this in the kitchen, babe...it fits perfectly with our lime green espresso machine with built-in wi-fi and Facebook app”). But if you really want to give them a gift that captures the essence of Durango, show up 30 minutes late wearing your flip flops and swim trunks, ride your bike in front of them while they’re trying to walk down the aisle, drink all their beer, then walk by their house at 3a.m. while yelling belligerently.
They’ll totally love that crap,
– The Diver

Dear Diver,
What is up with the new City Market layout? If you ask me the whole thing is backasswards. Personally, I liked it the old way, where I could get my fruits and veggies at the end, so I didn’t have to worry about them getting crushed. But now, they put the fruits and veggies first, which makes no sense. What is the backwards marketing logic behind making people put their bananas and tomatoes on the bottom of the cart?
– Ready to be carted off

Dear Assbackwards,
Shop the opposite direction ....
Duh,
– The Diver
 

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
- 1309 E. Third Ave., Room 25 Durango, CO, 81301
- fax (970) 259-0488
- telegraph@durangotelegraph.com