More mergoat facts surface
To the editor,
This just in from A.R.T. Headquarters, which has recently been relocated to a secret location in the fabled and historic tunnels under our fair city of Durango. Our emergency relocation is due to the numerous threats of a grievous nature to top members of A.R.T. One of our undercover researchers has uncovered critical evidence that had been covered up by an as-yet unnamed person, or persons, whose actual purpose in the initial cover up has yet to be uncovered.

However, the covers have been pulled, and a direct connection will somehow be established between our local mergoat infestation and the recent Bigfoot sightings near the Old Schoolhouse as well as the UFO landing and abduction of Silverton Mayor Stu Rasmussenin. And of course, this will all tie into the news filtering in from Butte, Mont., where a group of college students has recently been found slaughtered in a popular spelunking cave known as “Betsy’s Mistake.”

The one terribly maimed survivor told our Butte correspondent that his group had been attacked in the cave by what appeared to be blind marsupial echolocating vampire cave goats. Apparently, these nightmarish creatures have tiny suction pads on their hooves, not unlike the pads on a gecko’s foot. This allows them to skitter across cave roofs, then drop upon unsuspecting victims, draining them of their precious life’s blood. Their ability to operate in total darkness may be from the ultrasonic bleats from their hollow horns.

Further rumors fully substantiate the certainty that some of the college cavers have been taken alive by the marsupial blood suckers to be used as, shockingly, breeding stock. This begs the question, can a cave goat-human hybrid be possible? Certainly it can, and has, happened. They walk among us!

As our crack analysts here at headquarters piece together this new flood of information, we will make this available to you. On a lighter note, local search and rescue guru Nick “Nick-o-Time” Bowlten will be presenting our lead field scientist and the new host of the hit series “RiverMonsters,” Chuck Kuehn, with the Ned Beatty Distinguished Rescue Ribbon. Chuck was the only witness to the brutal attack on Jeremy Wade. His brave efforts from the safety of the shore, in a bold and self-sacrificing attempt to save the doomed celebrity from the soggy killers were at least, truly heroic.

Word has it that Chuck shouted at the beasts until almost completely hoarse. He very nearly needed medical attention himself. We are proud of you, Chuck ! One eye witness (who actually only has one eye) has submitted a dramatic and horrifying drawing of the heartless killer that dealt the famed mergoat “bite-o-death” that was Jeremy Wade’s undoing. This drawing can be viewed on YouTube. Just enter “Time Lapse Mergoat Thing Drawing.” WARNING! This stomach-churning sketch should not be viewed by children or those with weak bladders or bowels.
Once again, we here at the A.R.T. Would like to thank Missy Votel and all the journalistic heroes down at the Durango Telegraph World Headquarters for stepping into the ring and fearlessly printing our research data. Despite the jealous howls and gnashing teeth of the rest of the so called “science journal” community.

– Michael Wayson, A.R.T. Headquarters

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