Diver: The Falkers and També
Interesting Fact: Still here, still breathing, still procreating, still eatin’ Wildcat soup for breakfast.

Diver
I recently was at a concert, and it was emceed by someone who was very much into telling the audience about “Jah.” Worship Jah, Jah this, Jah that, you should worship Jah to be happy. The girl I was with hooted and hollered each time the emcee said something about worshipping jah. The next day, the girl and I were hanging out, and some bible thumper approached us in the park and tried to sell us on Jesus. The girl got really upset at the fact that someone was pushing religion on us. When I reminded her about the emcee guy telling us to worship Jah, she said “that’s different.” The way I see it, someone is pushing religion on you. Why is it OK when someone does it in the name of a hokey religion that revolves around weed smoking, but not OK when its Christianity? I’m an atheist, anyone trying to convince me to worship anything is jacked.
– Lester
Dear Atheist,
If you were smart, you would adhere to my philosophy on life. If you ever have been under the influence of weed, you would know that the last thing you would like to do is to worship “Jah,” which translates literally into “already” en español, “already” this, “already” that … have you “already”  washed the dishes? Have you “already” taken the trash out? Have you “already” peed in your cup sir? I think the “Jah” emcee has “already” left the building.
– Diverz

Dear Diver,
I just found out that a guy I’ve been seeing manscapes. I know it’s trendy in all the big cities, but I’m a little surprised it’s made its way to Durango. Anyway, I find it a little disturbing  - not to mention vain - that people find it necessary to rid their bodies of every last stitch of hair, regardless of how painful that might be. Besides, I like me men with a little hair on their chests. Other then that, I guess he’s a nice guy, but I still think I should dump him. Who’s being shallower, me or him?
– Shallow Sal
Well Sal,
It’s good to hear that Durango grooming sensibilities have hit the mid 1980s. Manscaping has long been considered a common courtesy – keep yourself, umm, trim so you’re not subjecting your partner to a tangled bird’s nest of funk, sweat, musk and yesterday’s Zia bits that fell into your lap. Sure, you can take it too far and look like a well-plucked Jersey Shore reject. No bueno. Remember, he’s doing it for you – so, yeah, you’re being a bit shallow. If your proclivities lie in bear-like men, be sure your partner knows so they can 86 the razor and start getting some action.
– Diverz

Dear Diver,
My wife claims that picking up seashells on the beach is akin to crustacean murder because the shells can be used as a home to other sea critters. I say there’s not exactly a housing shortage, I mean have you seen the number of shells out there? How do I convince her it’s OK to take a token from the beach every now and then?
– Sponge Bob

Dear ByOB,
Enough research has been conducted by facilities across the globe to support the “housing shortage” theory that you propose. Any reputable biologist will tell you the same. Here are a few peer reviewed sources: Sally (who lives by the seashore) used to make a living selling seashells, has since recanted her life of habitat destruction to pursue a career in petition manufacturing in New Jersey. Source #2: Starfish story thrower guy used to only save starfish but was involved in a career ending brawl defending a defenseless crustacean who was in danger of losing its home to a homo sapien. Never disagree with science BOB, unless it hinges on genetic mimicry.
– Diverz



 

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