Diver: The Saturday afternoon crew at Maria’s Bookshop
Interesting Fact: Tiny JoJo shouts “YOPP!!!” to save her fellow Whos from being boiled in Beezelnut Oil by the Sour Kangaroo.

Dear Diver,
I just LOVE our Animas River Trail. Love it! My dog, Fluffer, loves it too. I just love the freedom of being able to make our way slowly down the middle of the bike path, slowly looking for birds and inspecting the greenery, as puppy-doggy inquisitively checks the grass. But the one thing that bugs me is these angry bikers! They always seem to be so angry! One man sternly told me that I needed to stay on the right side of the path and be more aware of bikers...But bikers are the ones who should be paying attention to ME. My tax dollars helped pay for this path and I am ENTITLED to use the path however I choose. It is my RIGHT. Are these bikers trying to take away my rights?
– Sincerely, Judith

Dear Judith and Fluffer,
As is so often the case, the answer to this sort of deep-dish question lies in science; specifically astronomy. Each of us seems to think we’re the center of the freaking universe. But as what’s-his-face (maybe Copernicus?) pointed out, we’re each just raisinettes in the box; no better, but no worse, and certainly no more entitled than any other raisinette to getting our particular way. Obtuse wanderers and angry bikers will always be with us. Let’s instead take a deep breath, a chill pill, and go to our inner, happy place.
– The Divers (But call me Raisinette #1)
Dear Diver,
I recently thought about getting a concealed weapons permit, but I’m a little worried. It seems to be a requirement that, regardless of the name, you’re supposed to flaunt your heat. This could mean shoving your piece down the back of your underwear (which might cover up any embarrassing tramp stamps), or blatantly holstering up like the Duke for maximum exposure. Do you have any advice on how to discreetly protect myself without shooting a hole in my butt?
– I did not sign up for THAT gun show...

Dear Goin’ to the Gun Show,
Yes, I have some advice: Don’t carry a gun! Or anything else that could result in uncomfortable bleeding holes in your body. Instead, consider amping up your repellant coffee breath with a couple of brussels sprouts, perhaps dedicating some time currently wasted on facebook to becoming a kung-fu master, or—-as a last resort—-tucking a weasel into your handbag. When provoked by a problematic provocateur, these adorable little members of the Mustelidae family (which, of course, includes otters and weasels but not catfish and gummy bears) can put up a real ruckus! I think you’ll agree that each of these excellent options are better than sharing your thong with a cold Colt 45.
– Killing ’em with kindness, The Divers

Dear Diver,
I just saw someone is doing tourist scooter rentals. As if we don’t have enough bad out-of-town drivers around downtown in the summer and now we have to contend with clueless, rubbernecking tourists zipping around on mopeds clogging up traffic? Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Please tell me they won’t have yellow plates.
– Staying off the Sidewalk

Dear Sidewalk,
No, of course they won’t be yellow plates, that’s an awful, terrible stereotype. They might also be turquoise.
So what’s with the cranky questions this week? Like the man said: Can’t we all just get along? Once again, it sounds like this town needs a ginormous chill pill, something like the salt blocks that ranchers put out for their cattle, and every morning everyone takes a mandatory lick. How’s that for a recipe? Peeps! It’s summertime in paradise! Durango USA! We’re practically in the suburbs of the outskirts of the center of the freaking universe! Don’t believe me? See how you feel after taking a relaxing, wandering amble down the middle of the Animas River Trail with your “puppy-doggy” and a cross bow strapped to your back.
– Not sure if we spelled “ginormous” right, The Divers


In a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
- 1309 E. Third Ave., Room 25 Durango, CO, 81301
- fax (970) 259-0488
- telegraph@durangotelegraph.com