Diver: Jarrod from Raider Ridge
Interesting Facts: The #1 export from the United States to China is garbage

 

 

Dude,
We HAD a bowling alley, remember?  It was unappreciated and underused at the time and now it’s gone. The timing couldn’t be worse either. Our nation is facing an obesity epidemic of biblical proportions. We need healthy recreational opportunities available for people of all social classes. Not everyone can afford to buy a car, pay for registration and insurance, put gas in it and drive it down to Ignacio for some high-quality recreation.  What we need is government subsidized bowling allies in every home in America. You won’t even have to put on pants every time you want to go bowl a few frames! Please write your congressmen, City Council member, or state representative. America can’t wait any longer!
– See you at the big race (we’re talking NASCAR, right?), Diver
Dear Diver,
What is the strange opaque liquid that magically appears every morning on top of the yogurt container? I always pour it off because it looks weird and scary, but my husband just stirs it back in, which I find totally gross. Please help settle this dispute, as we start off every day on the wrong foot this way.
– Dis-”stirred”

 

Dear Housewife of La Plata County,
Perhaps you were a little confused when you licked the stamp and wrote in the diver’s address on the outside of your envelope. This sounds more like a question for Oprah, Dr. Phil or one of those other phony self-help gurus that constantly spew their cacophony over the airwaves. The diver is here to answer serious questions only, not trivial household spats between you and whomever you share your yogurt with. Take a walk around our fair city and you will see many of the “real issues” facing Durangotangs today. We’ve got drunken tubers stumbling around 32nd Street at all hours, dogs in grocery stores, those odd blinking yellow turn arrows, scofflaw cyclists mowing down little old ladies on the river trail, racy yearbook photos, plus the appalling lack of recreational facilities. Get over yourself and your yogurt and write me back when you experience a “real” problem.
– Diver
PS: Be sure to let us know what day you’ll be on Oprah so we can tune in.

Dear Diver,
What’s the best way to stop a bloody nose? I get them all the time, even on dates. Talk about a show stopper. Please help me stem the bleeding.
– Hemo Phil

 

Dearest Phil,
First off, let me thank you for writing in about a real issue, not some petty domestic squabble. However, like Dr. Phil, I am not an actual doctor and am in no way qualified to give you medical advice pertaining to the cause of your frequent, recurring nosebleeds.  So, since we can’t affect the cause, let’s take a look at some efficient methods for mitigating the embarrassing social consequences of your condition. First, begin by buying a couple red shirts and ordering bloody marys exclusively. Second, take your potential night partners out to some venues where a little blood is par for the course (think roller derby). Lastly, try to plan out dates where it is acceptable to lie on your back and there is a good supply of tissues within reach.
– Good luck, Diver
 

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
- 1309 E. Third Ave., Room 25 Durango, CO, 81301
- fax (970) 259-0488
- telegraph@durangotelegraph.com