Diver: Joey from Velorution
Interesting Facts: When he’s not listening to metal, Joey listens to anything from the Glenn Miller Orchestra to Pinback to Over The Rhine.  If it’s good, it’s all good!

Dear Diver,
With summer here and the drought and everything, I have decided to take fewer showers to help conserve water. Plus, I tube most every day, so am able to rinse off that way. only problem is, my friends and coworkers have started to complain (I don’t use deodorant because I don’t believe in it.) Don’t they get that I am doing this for them and the rest of the world?
– B.O.b

Dear Big Ol’ Badness,
Oh boy.  You’re one of those guys.  I’m all for saving the environment and everything, but you really ought not forget your immediate environment – which you’re pungently polluting every step of the way. You know, every time you or one of your idealistic compatriots walk in the shop with no shoes, no shirt, no deodorant and no clue, I have to open the front door for at least a half hour so that subsequent customers don’t fall to gagging to the floor. And what’s pushing that lovely hormonal stew out the door? 100 percent AC-cooled air, baby. How’s that for environmentally friendly? So do the environment – and our olfactory glands – a favor, and go get some Tom’s of Maine. It uses hops to kill odor, which is also what they use to make IPA. I’m pretty sure that means that you can smell better and get tubing-drunk all at once – and you’ll save the cost of beer!
– Diver

Dear Diver,
My dog is obsessed with licking anything metal, from chairs and tables to trucks and fences. Could she be missing a key mineral in her diet? Should I be worried she is going to get gut rot or has a horrible disease?
– Dog Mom
Dear Your Dog’s Mother has Four Legs and Eight Nipples and Doesn’t Speak English,
I should think this is pretty obvious. Your dog is trying to tell you, in doggie sign language, that she’s really sick of the Grateful Dead and The Infamous Stringdusters.  She’s hankering after some METAL. I know, it’s hard to do the hippie-loosey-shakey dance to A Life Once Lost or even Russian Circles but for your dog’s sake, you’re going to have to start a daily dose of music that is, shall we say, a little more kick-ass. So crank up the Between the Buried and Me, give your pup a black handkerchief to wear, and begin learning how to stay up in a mosh pit. Your canine slobber problems will disappear in no time.
– Diver

Dear Diver,
Why is it that Telluride always gets better music than us? All the big names go there and seem to just pass by us like we don’t even exist! Don’t they know we kick ass over Telluride?
– Rabid Fan

Dear Rabid Fan of Meh,
From what I can tell, most good music skips the entire Western Slope, opting for the Front Range and points east or the West Coast instead. As for the occasional sort-of big name that hits our secluded corner of the state, can you blame them for skipping Durango? Telluride is full of trustafarians and people like Ralph Lauren ... Durango is full of trustafarians and people like me. I ain’t got no $50 to see some washed-up has-been jam band. If you do, have fun doing the hippie-loosey-shakey dance!
– Diver

In a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
- 1309 E. Third Ave., Room 25 Durango, CO, 81301
- fax (970) 259-0488
- telegraph@durangotelegraph.com



In this week's issue...

January 25, 2024
Bagging it

State plastic bag ban is in full effect, but enforcement varies

January 26, 2024
Paper chase

The Sneer is back – and no we’re not talking about Billy Idol’s comeback tour.

January 11, 2024
High and dry

New state climate report projects continued warming, declining streamflows