Diver: Hank, the Intern Extraordinaire

Interesting Facts: Worked as a slave for the Telegraph at the ripe age of 17 and would rather be recognized as the Diver than go to college

Dear Diver,
I really love my job, but lately my co-workers have been really quiet and awkward around me. I told my girlfriend about it and she said it was a sure sign that I was going to get fired. That didn’t make sense—but she insists this is likely the case and my denial results from an inability to read social cues. She advises me to quit my job before I get fired. But the thing is, I don’t want to quit my job—it’s such an easy job! So my question to you is: should I quit my job or leave my girlfriend?
– Sincerely, Willy G.

Nilly Willy,
It’s unfortunate that I must be the bearer of bad news. I see a very obvious connection developing between your work and love life. Co-workers acting strange around you? Your girl urging you to leave before it’s “too late?” Your love for your lazy, deadbeat job that isn’t taking you anywhere in life? Sounds to me like your woman is getting frisky with a buddy from work, or worse: your boss. There are only two solutions to this sad, sticky situation. The first is to embrace the affair and get involved. Take them both out on a romantic date and stick it to your Catholic parents. Who knows, maybe the three of you will form a cosmic connection and become an illegal entity in Texas. The alternative option is to leave work and your significant other. Don’t despair though, this can lead to a world of options: couch surfing, clubbing and going to live with grizzly bears are only a few of the many paths your life could take!
– Best of luck, Diver

Dear Diver,
The music on the radio is so bad sometimes that about the only thing I can tolerate when I’m driving in my car is the country station. The scary thing is, I find myself listening to it more and more and even learning the words to some of the songs. Should I be worried that this could be a gateway to harder stuff, like big belt buckles, big trucks and line dancing?
– Billy Ray

Bill,
I would like to answer your question with another. What are you doing listening to the radio? I can’t even remember how long ago the iPod came out. And there are a hundred thingamajigs and knick knacks that will let you connect one to your car! My advice is stop now, before your ski rack becomes a gun rack and your worst fear is a Democrat. In addition, I would recommend a daily dose of mopeds, Obama sound bytes and anything British to take your mind off things. Once you feel adequately cleansed, you can have your radio privileges back, but only for NPR and KDUR.
– All things considered, this is your Diver.

Dear Diver,
Please help settle a longstanding debate: In a head-to-head battle, who would win, Harry Potter or Luke Skywalker? I say Luke, because his light saber is much bigger than Harry’s magic wand. As a dish ninja yourself, what does the diver think?
– Obi Wan

Obi Wan,
As any counselor, urologist or truck driving male would say, size doesn’t matter. With that in mind, I have to ask that you hang your head in shame, put your tail between your legs, and admit defeat. While Skywalker may have the handsome, boyish looks that Harry just can’t pull off, he can’t do much more than wave his glowstick in the air and be one with the universe through the force. On the other hand, Harry’s stick could turn Luke into Jabba the Hut and toss him right down into the rancor pit, no questions asked. Also, keep in mind that Harry’s Magic Appendage landed him with more than a few witches, and Luke’s Light Saber couldn’t even get him to first base with the princess, who turned out to be his sister!
– Sorry for the letdown, Diver

 

 

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
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