Diver: Jamie, aka Rattlesnake
Interesting facts:  Jamie is a certified reindeer whisperer and burrito aficionado.

Dear Diver,
Things are starting to look a little scary out there. Green grass (no, not that type of grass), blue skies, brown mountains. Is it time to do the naked snow dance? What does the diver suggest to appease Ullr, who has obviously forsaken us?
– High Pressure Hater, Durango

Dear Pressure Cooker,
Before you pop off and sacrifice any children to the wrong god, we should discuss the actual source of our heavenly snow.  Most skiers believe that Norse legend Ullr is the God of Snow, but five minutes of intense internet research has revealed that while Ullr was a badass skier and ladies man, his main responsibilities were as the God of Justice, Dueling and Agriculture. The deity you should actually be praying to is a goddess named Amber. She suffers from inexplicable mood swings, struggles to keep a job and made some questionable decisions in college.
It’s pretty clear that Colorado’s normally stable relationship with our Snow Goddess has taken a turn for the worst. As it turns out, Amber met a sophisticated European mountain range and is currently dumping snow on the Swiss Alps. But why would Amber leave us when things were going so well? Simple. The Swiss Alps are a little bit taller, have an attractive accent and drive a cooler car. This leaves us wondering, how do we get Amber back? Make sure to embrace the nice weather and spend some time outside cycling, climbing and hiking. Once Amber sees you enjoying a one-night stand with a different season, she’ll come running back like the jealous, slattern woman we all know.
– Playing hard to get works every time, Diver

Dear Diver,
I had my bike stolen not once, but twice, right in front of my own house (both times recovered, but still a little worse for the wear). As a result, I have become a nazi about always locking my bike up. My friend says that people like me are the reason Durango is no longer the laid-back, easy-going town it used to be, and once we start locking things up, we’re all going to become uptight D-bags and may as well move to the city. I just wanna protect my stuff.
– D-bag Dan

Dear Scharführer Dan,
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on Dan. The extraordinary fact that your bike was stolen twice from the exact same location leads me to believe that you don’t deserve the privilege of bike ownership. Even more impressive is the fact that your bike was recovered both times. Police statistics indicate that only .00000001 percent of stolen bikes are ever recovered, and most of those recoveries stem from lengthy Pee-Wee Herman style adventures.At the end of the day, bike theft is much like natural selection. Those who defend their bikes get to keep their bikes. Those who don’t get to hoof it everywhere.  Growing up in the dystopian metropolis of St. Louis, everything you owned was stolen at some point. Leave your bike outside? Stolen. Leave your car unlocked? Stolen. Leave your child unattended for two seconds? Stolen. This type of upbringing has ingrained my psyche with the compulsive need to lock things and consequently, my stuff doesn’t walk off. If your friend doesn’t like you securing your property, feel free to give him a mouthful of your padlock. Chances are he was the one stealing your stuff anyway.
-Just remember, there’s no basement at the Alamo

Dear Diver,
I’ve been on the party circuit nonstop since October (starting with Halloween) and the lack of snow hasn’t exactly helped my outdoor recreation regiment. The result is an uncomfortable thickening of my midsection and a serious baked goods addiction. With Snowdown looming a month away, what tips does the Diver have to shape up and dry out, quickly.
– Will Powerless

Dear Powerpuff Man,
Your ego may be telling you to lose weight, but your natural instincts should demand that you continue pumping that spare tire. Much like a hibernating bear, weight gain is critical to surviving the week of Snowdown. Chances are high that this unseasonably warm weather will eventually give way to unbearable cold, and you don’t want to get caught outside without a thick layer of blubber when the temperature reaches zero Kelvin. Chances are also high that you’ll spend a night face down in snow during this year’s Snowdown festivities. My overly fit college roommate Tate once suffered minor frostbite after passing out in an alley during a similar night of excessive drinking. Even worse, he managed to lose a shoe during this terrible ordeal. Moral of the story: Keep slamming back those Swiss Rolls and Pabst to ensure that your body is prepared for the rigors of our annual drinking celebration. If you ignore my warning and insist on exercising, Tate would recommend plenty of squat thrusts. Thousands and thousands of squat thrusts.
-Back straight, chest out, bend those knees

In a sticky situation? Got a dirty little secret?
Seek help from the master of the kitchen.  The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
- 1309 E. Third Ave., Room 25, Durango, CO, 81301
- fax (970) 259-0488
- or e-mail telegraph@durangotelegraph.com