Divers: These divers are actually legitimate local professionals in the fields of counseling, psychology and social work.  For liability reasons their identities must remain anonymous, but we can tell you that they are frequently found engaging in late night therapy sessions, occasionally on the porch, and rarely without alcoholic beverages.  
Interesting facts: Astronauts drink recycled urine.

Dear Diver,
Every year, after the presents are unwrapped, the eggnog drunk and the carols sung, I am left not with a warm, fuzzy afterglow, but an empty “let down” feeling. Is there more to the holidays than spending money and getting fat? What else is there to look forward to? Please, Diver, give me guidance in surviving January’s deep freeze on my soul.
 – Tundra Tim

Dear Iceman (diagnosis: Seasons Greetings Affective Disorder, or SGAD)
A few times per year, we are granted the gift of a holiday or event to blame our “issues” upon. Drinking alone at the Ranch in a ridiculous red and pink sweater sounds pathetic, except on Valentine’s Day. Drinking green beverages and pinching people? No worries, it’s St. Patrick’s Day! Let’s not even discuss Flag Day. Basically, right now post-holiday blues are simply that. If you still have the “deep freeze” in May, that would be cause for concern. Some would recommend readings such as The Happiness Project or the like, but these Divers recommend reading Good Spirits by AJ Rathburn.
– Divers

Dear Diver,
I have a question about our beloved River Trail. During the week, the trail is great. I can blaze quickly around town, and save money that I would otherwise spend on gas. On Sundays, it’s a junk show. I’ve nearly crashed several times, and it usually involves people on cell phones who are walking their dogs. Do we need to enact some sort of ban?
– Sincerely, Peeved Pedestrian

Dear Trail Rage (diagnosis: Traffic Pattern Adjustment Disorder, or TPAD. Patient exhibits hallmark symptoms of difficulty adjusting to varying traffic “subtypes.” Also present are co-occurring attempts to ban stuff that’s stupid.)
Attempting to make transitions from weekday to weekend bike path traffic patterns can trigger severe TPAD episodes. While many counselors may recommend desensitization therapy, we have found taking a broader approach to prevent annoyance to be more effective. Therefore, we recommend banning the following annoyances: beanies worn during the summer, puffy coats paired with flip flops, tourists in any shape or form, Red Bull, tailgating and the phrase “for real.” Patients typically experience relief within four to six weeks of initiating these bans.
– Divers

Dear diver,
Why the inundation of themes? I understand the theme may work for Snowdown, but now every party, art opening or random event has a theme. It’s silly. We don’t need a theme behind “come and get black-out drunk and buy some paintings/wish me happy birthday/walk around the Southside eating sliders,” now do we? Get over it people, you’re not a pimp or hooker nor were you born in the 20s or 50s. Unless the theme is “Punch a Nazi/Punch a Klan Member/Punch a Terrorist.” Now I can get behind that.
– Lester

Dear Duuude (diagnosis:  Narcissistic Stick-in-the-Mud Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified, or NSITMD-NOS)
We’re totally havin’ a party next weekend. The theme is “Chill the F@$# Out.”  We’ll have a sweat, a locally grown organic meal and then take turns in the sensory deprivation tank. Visit Animas Trading for some sandalwood incense and stop by Durango Organics for your favorite treat. Dogs and babies welcome, as long as they’re cool.
– Peace and Love, Divers
PS: You’re SO not invited to next year’s Tour de South Side.

In a sticky situation? Got a dirty little secret?
Seek help from the master of the kitchen.  The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
- 1309 E. Third Ave., Room 25, Durango, CO, 81301
- fax (970) 259-0488
- or e-mail telegraph@durangotelegraph.com