Diver: Wildcat
Interesting facts: In 1958 the Monotones released a song asking, “Who wrote the book of love?” The song would not have been written had they known the Wildcat.

Dear Diver,
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I strike out with the ladies. For example, one time, I took a girl on a fancy date to Red Lobster, and even capped it off with a deluxe Whitmann’s Sampler. All this and the date still bombed (how was I to know she was allergic to shellfish?) Then there was the time I tried to be more Western and brought a date line dancing. While I was at the bar fetching some Michelob, she snuck out the back door with a cowboy. What does the diver suggest for success for snagging a gal?
- High and Lonesome

Dear High and Loathsome,
“Snaggin’ gals” is all about love, respect and attention. Let me explain.

Love: Women love to talk. Science says they talk twice as much as men. So when you’re with a lady, just let her talk. You should listen, too, because she will expect input. Don’t worry though, what you say doesn’t matter. If you disagree, you’re wrong; if you agree, you’re lying; if you say nothing, oh my glob what’s wrong with you, why aren’t you saying anything, are you mad, you’re mad aren’t you, why are you mad, I’m just going home since you’re mad. You’re not going to win. You just get a grade for participation.

Respect: Girls like guys who respect themselves. It helps if you respect yourself so much, you don’t take her needs into consideration. Don’t be thoughtful. Don’t ask her where she wants to eat on taco night. Taco night is the only option on taco night. Courtesy is a sign of weakness. You might as well tell her you like art.

Lastly, attention: That’s all girls want. And as soon as you give a girl attention, she has what she wants. You are no longer interesting, necessary or desirable. Go ahead and organize art documentaries on your Netflix queue and start looking at kitten adoption programs. If you don’t expect happiness, you won’t be disappointed.
– Failure is the best teacher, The Diver

Dear Diver,

I just joined a co-ed hockey team and was horrified to learn that there are co-ed locker rooms. Let’s just say I’m no spring chicken and am a little apprehensive about putting the physique on display in mixed and younger company. But I’m afraid if I go to the bathroom to change my shorts everyone will think I’m an uptight geezer, but I don’t want to come off as an exhibitionist, either. Please advise.
- Em”bare”assed

Dear “I took band in middle school so I didn’t have to get nekkid in front of the other kids in gym class,”
Allow me to tell you about the NoM phenomenon. Whenever you enter a men’s locker room, you will undoubtedly turn a corner to see a naked old man (NoM) exposing himself in full frontal glory, usually with a leg up, for all the locker room to see. It’s horrific. It’s more disgusting than steamed spinach, microscopic photos of dust mites, and newborn babies. But you know who doesn’t mind? The naked old man. He seems completely oblivious to the eye-melting scene he’s creating as he slowly air dries every wrinkle and fold. So my advice? Drop towel and take comfort in creating discomfort (and possibly nausea).
– I wear jean shorts under my jeans, Diver

Dear Diver,
There’s this acquaintance of mine who always calls me by the wrong name when I see her. I corrected her the first few times, but now don’t even bother and actually find it kind of entertaining to give her a different name every time. My other friends think I should be honest to be nice, but I think if someone’s that stupid they deserve the humiliation that comes with calling someone the wrong name for several years in such a small town. What does the diver think?
– Eraser Face

Dear Pink Pearl,
Firstly, I’m the diver. I never “think.” But let me tell you what I know. This is America, land of freedom. People can do whatever they want. If I want to make up my own name for you,  I can. It’s called freedom of speech. My parents made up new names for me all the time when I was a kid. “Useless,” “Mouthbreather,” “Why are you staring at the TV, it’s not even on.”  Maybe your acquaintance is doing you a favor. Maybe your real name sucks, and they’re just trying to be nice and give you a better name. Maybe this is the change Obama was talking about.
– Sincerely, Wildcat John Wayne Batman Spiderman Fighter Jet” McDiverson