Diver: Nasty Ne-Ne and the Cabbage Patch Kidz (Andrew, Luke and Tim)
Interesting facts: Nasty Ne-Ne can touch her nose with her tongue. The Cabbage Patch Kidz are innocent until proven guilty, but they are probably guilty.

Dear Diver,
What is up with people eating out of bulk bins at the natural foods store, like no one notices? It’s totally gross and unsanitary not to mention it’s stealing. I understand times are hard, but I’m not exactly rich either and always manage to pay for my food. How can so-called hippies steal from other hippies? Just wrong ...
– Paying for My Granola

Dear Granola Nazi,
First off, no granola for you! Second, where do you live? We live in America! We do what we want. Isn’t that what the founding fathers taught us? See the Declaration of Independence, July 4th, 1776. We hold these truths to be self evident that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator, with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And as divers, grazing makes us happy. If you want those bulk bins to be monitored, move to communist China.
– Granola Snatchers

Dear Diver,
Like most Durangoans, I live for Snowdown. Only problem is, so many events, so little time. What are the diver’s picks for best entertainment bang for your buck?
– Wicked Good Time

Dear Wicked Hawd-Core Guy,
First off, what’s a Durangoan? Is that like a Durangatang? Why can’t this town come up with a good nickname for it’s people? Isn’t the education rate here higher than anywhere else in the world? Even the Walmart greeter has a PhD. And what is this Snowdown you speak of? Is that down in Pagosa Springs? Maybe you should move there. I think we already missed that, so this question is obsolete. No really, we live for Snowdown too. Here’s our top three: the wet T-shirt contest at the senior center (talk about bang for your buck, free prune juice); bare-handed fish grab in Smelter Rapid; and lastly and definitely leastly, the granola-eating contest, hosted by your local bulk aisle.
– Diver with a PhDeez Nutz

Dear Diver,
Isn’t there some sort of unspoken ski town commandment about “thou shall not call to brag about thine powder day to friends with boring desk jobs who did not get to ski thy powder?” I am starting to get a little bitter. What kind of come back suggestions do you have for these powder braggarts?
- Not Gettin’ Any

Dear Not Gettin’ Any for a Reason,
Quit your job, but more importantly, quit your crying! Sorry you missed 4 inches of fresh today, it was so sick! Sorry about your boring desk job, maybe you should have gotten a recreation degree instead of a business degree. Then you could be washing dishes on the mountain for that ski pass. Why did you move to Durango again bro? Also, I’ve never heard about that commandment, but due to your choice of jobs you have forever set yourself up for missing every good powder day from here to eternity. Our advice: quit your job, change your phone number and get your powder fix. Or, better yet, do this: move to Kansas, and no one will ever call bragging about that sick pow day you missed again.
– Free your mind, free your soul, Diver out